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Dark Elf Short Story Help 
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Trainee Warrior
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Seeing as how this was the site of a bunch of Dark Elf experts, I thought I'd come here and ask for some help on the tale.

It's about an abandoned Dark Elf and his regiment of other Dark Elves. On their way back to Naggaroth, Khadath Kar (that is the main Dark Elf's name) and his ship gets disconnected from the rest of his fleet. He sends out a message (through their sorceress) and she dictates for Malekith and Khadath and his advisors. The final outcome is that Khadath and his men will not be saved for the sake of time (the Dark Elves were readying an assault against the High Elves again) and Khadath is pissed and wants revenge.

Bloodshadows report back to Khadath in the morning after they were marooned telling him of an apparently empty chateau. Khadath and his personal retinue of 19 Executioners (including himself and he is an Highborn who just loves the Executioner path and considers himself one of the Executioners of Har Ganeth) and tries to plunder the castle. They go in and it is under the influence of a von Carstein Vampire, Griswold Bloodbane, a von Carstein Vampire Count. They have a duel thing and Khadath defeats him, but on accident, licks up some of the vampire's blood and becomes a vampire. He traps the Soul of Griswold Bloodbane and manipulates the power of the SoulStone of Griswold Bloodbane to become an incredibly powerful Dark Elf Vampire Count.

Meanwhile, Malekith is starting to grow concerned and sends out Shadowblade to kill Khadath. Khadath, expecting Shadowblade to try and kill him, he fights him and loses, but survives. Shadowblade fails in killing Khadath (as he is already dead and doesn't have the proper weapons to kill him) and Khadath lives on. Over the course of 2 years he learns how to harness the powers of Necromancy and grants the Blood Kiss to his 3 most devout followers (they would glady take the Blood Kiss to protect him for all times): Drannu Graef, Lahk Minaith, and Kayash Ganthai.

There is also a neighboring Necrach Vampire. Intrigued by his newfound power, he attacks and annhilates the Necrach Count. He plunders the entire castle and then razes it to the ground. He steals an entire library on Necromancy and other arts along with many enchanted weapons out of the armoury. He slays the Necrach Lord whom rides upon a mighty Zombie Dragon. Posthumously, he captures the Soul of the Necrach Lord and now he possesses two Soul Stones of two Vampires: a strong armed von Carstein Count and the highly intelligent mind of a Necrach Lord.

He feeds slowly off of slaves (there were a lot of slaves on his ship) and survives that way. He and his men are left on the isle for about 5 years. By that time, Khadath is about as powerful as a Vampire Lord, having manipulated the powers of both Vampires to such an extent he may as well as assimilate all of their powers forever more.

In the Empire, there is a well-known Vampire-Hunter. He is a black man from Araby known to the common folk as Tygurius Stormwalker and to the Nobles he is known as the Vampire Bane. He wanders the land in hopes of riding them of the plague of undead forever more for his mother and father were killed by Vampires and his sister and brother were killed by Ushabti of Khemri for they tried to rob the tombs of which should never be waken. He despises all undead with an insane fury that none could ever match.

A town in the Empire was once attacked by Undead Soldiers of the Necrach Vampires and he slew both commanding Vampires and all of their underlings and uprooted 14 Lahmian Vampires during a period of less than two years. For his deeds, all he asked for was free drinks where ever he went and a large supply of gold crowns (around 200 a month) for as long as he remained alive and he promised to continue his Inquisition.

Word of a new Vampiric threat reaches the ears of Tygurius. He and his acolyte, Sakura Yamamoto of Nippon, a young and talented girl whom he trains in the art of hunting and killing of Vampires, start the search of this new threat which takes them to the heart of Khadath's dark citadel.

Khadath runs frequent raids on different HIgh Elf villages and fantasizes about his revenge on Malekith and dreams of skinning Shadowblade alive and throwing Morathi upon the altars of Khaine. Things like that. Upon the Spires of Doomfire on the Isle which he and his men were stranded upon, he reached for the summit. Guarded by Wraiths and other monstrosities he fought his way to the summit. At the gates of the summit, he fought 9 Wraiths mounted on Ethereal Winged Nightmares and killed each and everyone one of them. He fought and slew an Ancient Black Dragon and drank from the creature's and knew that no longer would he need to feed upon souls.

His vengeance was at hand.

that's all I got now.
suggestions? (constructive) critiscm?

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Sun Mar 26, 2006 2:02 am
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Witch King's Envoy
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(somewhat) Constructive Criticism:

Quote:
accidently licks up some of the vampire's blood and becomes a vampire


First thing that I might have a beef with. If it happens so that the vampire takes a bolt from behind and the blood splirts onto Khadaths face and the poor guy doesn't manage to get it all of (or something to that effect) it's fine. But accidently licking vampire blood... sounds kinda weak.

Quote:
Meanwhile, Malekith is starting to grow concerned and sends out Shadowblade to kill Khadath


Concerned with what? What has Khadath been doing? Just becoming stronger? Eltharion is running around Naggaroth killing dozens of Druchii every day, and Shadowblade is trailing him. Khadath would have to be doing something incredibly, incredibly sinister (and by sinister I mean threatening to the Witch King) for this to happen.

Quote:
as he is already dead and doesn't have the proper weapons to kill him


Don't you just have to lop off the head to kill a Warhammer Vampire? And where does Shadowblade go after this?

Quote:
There is also a neighboring Necrach Vampire. Intrigued by his newfound power, he attacks and annhilates the Necrach Count. He plunders the entire castle and then razes it to the ground. He steals an entire library on Necromancy and other arts along with many enchanted weapons out of the armoury. He slays the Necrach Lord whom rides upon a mighty Zombie Dragon. Posthumously, he captures the Soul of the Necrach Lord and now he possesses two Soul Stones of two Vampires: a strong armed von Carstein Count and the highly intelligent mind of a Necrach Lord.


Wow, this guy is becoming godly :shock:

Quote:
He feeds slowly off of slaves (there were a lot of slaves on his ship) and survives that way. He and his men are left on the isle for about 5 years. By that time, Khadath is about as powerful as a Vampire Lord, having manipulated the powers of both Vampires to such an extent he may as well as assimilate all of their powers forever more.


I don't think you ever actually established where Khadath was. And if he's just absorbed the powers of three powerful vampires, wouldn't he be able to just sneak around and feed off of fat, tasty, unsuspecting villagers? And after absorbing the powers of three powerful vampires, wouldn't he be way more powerful than a Vampire Lord? I mean, he started out as a High Born right?

I liked your bit about the Vampire Hunter, but did he wipe out that undead army on his own? One man vs. an entire army and emerges victorious.... boring. The Vampire Hunter concept is great though.

Quote:
Khadath runs frequent raids on different HIgh Elf villages and fantasizes about his revenge on Malekith and dreams of skinning Shadowblade alive and throwing Morathi upon the altars of Khaine. Things like that. Upon the Spires of Doomfire on the Isle which he and his men were stranded upon, he reached for the summit. Guarded by Wraiths and other monstrosities he fought his way to the summit. At the gates of the summit, he fought 9 Wraiths mounted on Ethereal Winged Nightmares and killed each and everyone one of them. He fought and slew an Ancient Black Dragon and drank from the creature's and knew that no longer would he need to feed upon souls.


Raiding High Elf villages is always a good thing, but why would a black dragon (even an ancient one) be protected by a bunch of spooks and beasties? Dragons are usually pretty good at protecting themselves. Khadath was running quite the gauntlet here... and he won... all on his own. To me it seems sort of cheesy, maybe have it so he was the last survivor of his entire company because they faught with him to the death.

Now from what you said in the beginning, it seemed that not saving Khadath was the smartest thing to do. But what did he need saving from? Did he just need to be located? Because if so, wanting revenge for something like that is pretty childish. Remember, Druchii have huge egos, and in their minds they are too good to really need anyones help. Plus, how does Khadath feel about the Druchii race as a whole? Is he an anarchist? Or does he want somebody else upon the throne? How did he feel about Malekith before the whole thing started? All in all, it seems like Khadath is waaay too powerful. Even Malus Darkblade took a beating or two in his books. As a general rule of thumb I never have characters that are too godly like what you've got here. Tone him down a notch (or three :P )

All things considered, okay story. Just give it some tweaks.


Sun Mar 26, 2006 5:44 am
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Iwould be concerned how you structure this, you have a whole load of ideas so if you where going to write it, it would deffently be in a form of an extended short story. You have such an amount of detail that if it where written as a short story, it would appaer rushed to the reader.

Its a nice idea of mearging vampire counts and Dark elves together in one story, its something that i have not heard of so it could be an interesting read.

The main point i would make is the complexity of the story, you have so many races in one, i often find that it is much mor eaiser to include a few main charaqcters, then you can concentrate on developing a detailed character, rather than loads of caharacters with not as much detail. But saying this this is only my opinion, if you feel comfortable doing this then go for it. look forward to reading it, good luck :D


Sun Mar 26, 2006 9:32 am
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One thing you must learn is that storys shouldn't be given the OK. just written. Listing all your ideas is great, yet you will in no doubt receive critisism that you either

A) don't want

or

B) didn't need because you were going to put that in the book.

If you want my advice, make Khadath a Vampire, before he comunicates with the witch king. Better yet make him even angrier, by making him marry the sorceress.
Fingol is right, accidently licking blood is a bad idea. write it like this;

"Khadath reahed up for his stake. Lifting it above his head, he cried out in anger! Then he bought it down upon the hellish fiend! but the Vampire was to quick! He manouvered his body, so the stake hit his eye, not his heart!
He cried out in pain, as blood spurred out of his wound, into Khadaths open mouth!"

Also other advice, don't make him invincible. Creating a hero, is one thing, making a god is another. He needs a weakness! Cut off his arm! make him frightened of something! Make him really angry at dwarfs!

Don't over exagerate. The line, 9 wraiths, mounted on winged night mares...
STOP! to much! it's an absaloute tidal wave to the reader. It's like a little kid goin;

there was a tiger, who bit of my arm, then the maggots ate it, while giant space gorillaz shot my body into ashes with, pangalacticgargleblasters shot guns.

Except not that. I want to read your story, just proof read it, make sure everything makes sense, then post it.

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Sun Mar 26, 2006 10:10 am
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I realized that there are somethings that overkill. Ok, so he'll just manipulate the powers of the Necrach and the von Carstein Vampire and no dragon on some wierd mountain. In regards to Assassins, Khadath is really powerful and Malekith knows how pissed Khadath is so he is afraid that Khadath will try to kill him even though he knows Khadath will most likely work his way into the capital (which will not happen cause the Vampire Hunter, Tygurius, kills him).

It's not really a short story, more like a shorter novel than anything else (like 30-50 pages hopefully no more than that).

On a quick question, why would marrying the Sorc make him angrier and licking the blood was the only one that made sense to me. He doesn't carry stakes around, he uses a really light Draich (in game terms it would be a great weapon that always strikes first instead of last).

so here is what is going to happen:
- Stranded on some island
- is pissed that Malekith won't send guys to pick them up
- finds and plunders von Carstein castle and turned into Vampire Count
- captures and manipulates soul of Griswold Bloodbane, von Carstein Count
- Dark Elf assassins try to kill Khadath and fail
- Khadath kills and captures the soul of a Necrach Lord
- grants blood kiss to three of his best friends and guardians (Drannu Graef, Lahk Minaith and Kayash Ganthai)
- Tygurius Stormwalker hears of Khadath (although he thinks it is a typical Blood Dragon count who once was a humie) and takes off to try and kill him
- Sakura, Tygurius and a large group of imperial warriors try to kill Khadath and his servants and eventually succeed
- Over half of the Dark Elves under the command of Khadath revolt and all of them are killed; all who remain are a few Dark Elves, the 3 guardians of Khadath and a few others (6 Executioners, 12 corsairs and a Vampiric Sorc and a bunch of skellies and such)

On the background of Tygurius, obviously he can't kill an entire Undead force on his own. He convinces a three generals to allow him to lead the attack and wins.

On the background of Khadath, he was never a huge fan of Malekith because he had lost a lot of his Executioners (he himself loves the path of the Executioner and was also born in Har Ganeth) and so was never really happy with Malekith after that. He was stranded on the island because:
1) They had no damn clue where they wree
2) They left them there deliberately (he had a half wrecked ship and Malekith knew it)
3) Malekith was convinced that Khadath could find his way out on his own which was impossible for Khadath to do
4) Malekith was readying for an attack on High Elf bases and claimed that saving him would take too much time (except that it wouldn't)

Khadath does lose here and there, he almost got killed by a High Elf and had his ass handed to him by a Phoenix Prince who he eventually captures and tortures (this is by far my favorite part of the story). He also almost got killed by a large group of Phoenix Guard and thus he isn't the strongest of guys. He was almost run over by Malus Darkblade (hehe) and in general, he isn't a huge fan of the Druchii either. could use some more tweaking methinks.

Please use the edit function rather than double-posting.
- A.


Changing some of the stuff on the story. The Necrach Lord will attack Khadath and then Khadath wins the in that battle and then counterattacks and traps that Necrach's Soul in a Soul Stone and manipulates the powers of both vampires and then gives the blood kiss to his three guardians.

then in a lil while, there is a rebellion and Khadath and the guardians plus a bunch of loyalists have to kill all of the "traitors" in their midst. The Dark Elves who revolt are killed and shown no mercy. Khadath now rules the island with an iron fist.

Meanwhile, Tygurius, Sakura and 13 others get onto the island and start to raise hell until they actually do kill the guardians and Khadath himself.

Sounds good?

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Sun Mar 26, 2006 3:12 pm
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Quote:
The Necrach Lord will attack Khadath and then Khadath wins the in that battle and then counterattacks and traps that Necrach's Soul in a Soul Stone and manipulates the powers of both vampires and then gives the blood kiss to his three guardians.

You can't give the Blood Kiss unless you're a vampire. Nor do you "manipulate" the essence of a vampire without being a powerful mage (I'm talking Teclisian level here, or perhaps around Morathi's ability at least).

Quote:
- finds and plunders von Carstein castle and turned into Vampire Count
- captures and manipulates soul of Griswold Bloodbane, von Carstein Count

Vampires keep their souls right where they always do. In their bodies. Vampirisim, the Undeath, is more or less a way for them to hold themselves to the physical realm without slipping into oblivion within the Aethyr. Removing a soul from where it is housed (the body) and placing it into something else (a jewel, perhaps) would mean that the person who possessed the soul is a Lich, not a Vampire.

Quote:
- Tygurius Stormwalker hears of Khadath (although he thinks it is a typical Blood Dragon count who once was a humie) and takes off to try and kill him

If this character of yours was bitten by a Von Carstein vampire, that's what he will become. Although I would question what a Von Carstein is doing all the way out in the middle of nowhere, because as things stand, they're in Sylvania right now.

On another point, the Blood Kiss isn't as simple as "blood drops fall into <person>'s mouth and turn him into a vampire". And to kill a vampire, you either decapitate it for a permanent death, or to put it into a coma-like state you would stab it through the heart with a sharp pointy thing (stakes are good, but then, so are swords). The coma-like state can lead to death, however, depending on how powerful the vampire in question is.

Quote:
He also almost got killed by a large group of Phoenix Guard and thus he isn't the strongest of guys.

The Phoenix Guard are not the greatest of warriors. They are a small order of warrior monks who guard the Shrine of Asuryan.

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Mon Mar 27, 2006 4:39 am
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There is a sorc in his group so that could be the person who drains the souls (she only does it twice and we could say that the amount of strength she needs to drain the souls would possibly kill her). The one who manipulates the orbs is Khadath really just wears the orbs which puts the power of the two vamps circulating in his body. That's what I mean by manipulation.

In regards to Tygurius, he himself has never been biten and is just too good at what he does to get biten on such a silly note. He in fact hates all undead models and despises vampires.

And Khadath getting beaten by Phoenix guard cause he foolishly challenged a whole regiment on his own. Not cause he saw them as the greatest.

Khadath also gives the bloodkiss to the three guardians AFTER he becomes a vampire and has trapped both the souls of the Necrach and the von Carstein. Thank you for your suggestions good druchii.

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Mon Mar 27, 2006 12:01 pm
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Quote:
There is a sorc in his group so that could be the person who drains the souls (she only does it twice and we could say that the amount of strength she needs to drain the souls would possibly kill her).

A sorceress. With you. Despite the fact that Sorceresses owe their alleigance to Malekith. And no matter what the case, a simple sorceress does not have the ability to do what you are saying. You can steal the soul, but stealing it and manipulating it are two very different things. Of course, one could also argue that because Vampires are the unliving, they don't have souls at all (the reason why the Lore of Death doesn't work on them).

Quote:
In regards to Tygurius, he himself has never been biten and is just too good at what he does to get biten on such a silly note. He in fact hates all undead models and despises vampires.

I didn't say that. What I said was that you do not become a Blood Dragon after being bitten by a Von Carstein. Period. Your background suggests that you can, but this is not the case.

Quote:
Khadath also gives the bloodkiss to the three guardians AFTER he becomes a vampire and has trapped both the souls of the Necrach and the von Carstein. Thank you for your suggestions good druchii.

Here's the "trap" business again. First and foremost, Vampires are mighty spellcasters in their own right (a Necrarch moreso than the other types), in addition to being powerful undead creatures. What makes you think that this Highborn can actually capture a soul? Personally, I think it stretches the background beyond the limits that it can take.

And I'm a High Elf.

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Mon Mar 27, 2006 12:57 pm
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The sorc isn't just a simple sorc and has a nack for magic and whatnot. In regards to the lore of death, the lore of death does not work on them because they are already dead.

In regards to your Blood Dragon to von Carstein comment, Khadath is a von Carstein. Period. The three guardians are also von Carsteins after receiving the Blood Kiss. Also period.

Khadath, while although a highbourne, does not capture the soul (any more) and the sorc is the one who binds the soul of Griswold Bloodbane, Count of the von Carstein familiy. It is a jewel which circulates the powers of Griswold Bloodbane unto Khadath rather than it having to be manipulated.

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Mon Mar 27, 2006 3:33 pm
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Quote:
In regards to your Blood Dragon to von Carstein comment, Khadath is a von Carstein. Period. The three guardians are also von Carsteins after receiving the Blood Kiss. Also period.


ah, the last bit you had about him sucking the blood of a dragon implied (at least I thought so) that he was a Blood Dragon. No worries.


Mon Mar 27, 2006 4:29 pm
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Quote:
The sorc isn't just a simple sorc and has a nack for magic and whatnot. In regards to the lore of death, the lore of death does not work on them because they are already dead.

So your sorceress is somehow as powerful as Morathi, in addition to the fact that her sole alleigance is to Malekith, somebody who your Highborn seems to have rejected. Right...

And, FYI, the Lore of Death does not work, but that is not a case for a spell that steals souls not working.

Quote:
In regards to your Blood Dragon to von Carstein comment, Khadath is a von Carstein. Period. The three guardians are also von Carsteins after receiving the Blood Kiss. Also period.

Then explain this:
You wrote:
- Tygurius Stormwalker hears of Khadath (although he thinks it is a typical Blood Dragon count who once was a humie) and takes off to try and kill him

No Witch Hunter is that stupid. They know Vampires, and they know how to recognise them. They also know which Vampires are more likely to be found in a particular location.

Quote:
and the sorc is the one who binds the soul of Griswold Bloodbane, Count of the von Carstein familiy.

I dislike repeating myself, but I wasn't aware that this sorceress of yours was as powerful as Morathi.

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Mon Mar 27, 2006 11:11 pm
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Sorry. Tygurius does not have definately and absolutely correct information at all times henceforth the fact that he thinks it's a Blood Dragon does not make it a Blood Dragon. It's von Carstein who is perticularly good at CC and fair at magick.

the sorc is not as powerful as Morathi, but close to it and her alliegence is to Khadath and not to the Witch King (she is brainwashed by a powerful potion brewed by Drannu Graef) and then serves Khadath without question. Is this ok?

Please use the edit function rather than double-posting.
- A.


New dilema: I was thinking about where to place Khadath and his men, but then I realized that I didn't know where to place it. Would placing Khadath and his men on a Lustrian Isle not make sense in context to this story or would a wierd and misty isle close to Ulthuan make more sense?

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Tue Mar 28, 2006 12:47 am
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Quote:
the sorc is not as powerful as Morathi, but close to it and her alliegence is to Khadath and not to the Witch King (she is brainwashed by a powerful potion brewed by Drannu Graef) and then serves Khadath without question. Is this ok?

The bolded part isn't.

Quote:
or would a wierd and misty isle close to Ulthuan make more sense?

He'd have the High Elven navy all over him if his base was on one of the Shifting Isles.

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Tue Mar 28, 2006 3:50 am
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Quote:
the sorc is not as powerful as Morathi, but close to it and her alliegence is to Khadath and not to the Witch King (she is brainwashed by a powerful potion brewed by Drannu Graef) and then serves Khadath without question. Is this ok?


I hate to make it seem like you can't win here, but one of the trials that a sorc apprentice must undertake is to control the energies of one of the Chaos hells (or something like that). They have incredible will power, it would take the uttermost powerful potion around to break the mind of a Sorceress that powerful and redirect her loyalties.


Tue Mar 28, 2006 6:21 am
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Actually, you don't need Morathi's level of power to lock a soul into a bottle. You just need to be extremely accomplished as a Death magician.

Of course, trapping the soul in a rock, especially in the manner that you're hinting at, would be so much harder and require a special ritual, I think. One which would require a LOT of resources and time, not to mention entail considerable risk. The sorceress would have to be level 4, and level 4 sorciesses aren't common enough that they wouldn't send a rescue party after her.

As for brainwashing with potions, just... no. If you could get a brew that potent to her in the first place, the chances are her willpower is too great and she will resist it.
And if you succeeded in wiping her mind clean, you'd also wipe out any magical training. Happy, happy. You've got a witch.

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Tue Mar 28, 2006 2:10 pm
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Quote:
Actually, you don't need Morathi's level of power to lock a soul into a bottle. You just need to be extremely accomplished as a Death magician.

More often than not, the two go hand in hand, which would explain why the most "accomplished" magicians are often among the most powerful. Knowing everything you need to won't help if you can't summon the power to pull it off.

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Tue Mar 28, 2006 2:34 pm
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I'm fighting a losing battle obviously. Hehe. I'm not going down without a fight. I changed the potion to one that changes the way someone views someone else (or something along those lines). I don't know: it isn't a brainwashing potion (cause the loss of sorcery would be evident) so it'd be more like a change of heart potion rather than a mind wipe.

In regards to her being really powerful like Morathi, I think I'm going to change this around again. The orb is meant to lock up souls (that is its purpose and does not need a mighty sorc to use) considering the thing is a magical item which needs a soul in it to be properly utilized. The one who carries it must also have a soul of their own.

I know this whole story sounds a bit corny, but can it work at all?

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Tue Mar 28, 2006 2:45 pm
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At the end of the day Kharghais, this is your story. If you want to write it go ahead, the only way that any writer learns is from reading there own work. My advice to you is to write waht you indend to write, read it back and then make changes. In many cases you will find that if a particualr aspect of the story doesnt work, it will be obvious while you are actually writting it out. In general it is always best to work from a piece of work that already exist, as oposed to trying to patch together a whole load of ideas. hope this helps. :D


Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:09 pm
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Raziel02 wrote:
At the end of the day Kharghais, this is your story. If you want to write it go ahead, the only way that any writer learns is from reading there own work. My advice to you is to write waht you indend to write, read it back and then make changes. In many cases you will find that if a particualr aspect of the story doesnt work, it will be obvious while you are actually writting it out. In general it is always best to work from a piece of work that already exist, as oposed to trying to patch together a whole load of ideas. hope this helps. :D


I believe I will follow up on this idea. My final post up here for now will be this: The stones are just artefacts which trap the soul of an intended target under command from a wierd arcane incantation and does not need to be from a Sorc so the sorc who was originally in the idea will still be there, but she will get killed instead.

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Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:38 pm
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Ack, why did I not check this one before? Oh, well, better late than never...

Kharghais, please refrain from doing the following things in the future:
- posting in colour;
- quoting entire posts (quoting is good, but cut them up to get the relevant parts).

I've edited all your posts to remove the "offending" material.

On the plus side, please continue to spell like someone who has a brain. We don't see enough of those around here nowadays.

Your friendly neighbourhood moderator,
- A.
(It's like the =][=, only better.)

Edit: as for the complete fluff heresy, go-go Fluff Inquisitor Eldacar!

Edit²: I promise I'll contribute to this thread when it isn't 3:10am and I'm no longer in the middle of translating something that has to be handed in before 9am to get a job interview with Rackham. Promise.

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Wed Mar 29, 2006 1:07 am
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@neutral shade of black: I will refrain from using red in my text (as you have asked me to do so and you are a mod so I will comply without protest) and I will also do my best to refrain from using "offending" material (swearing and so on and so forth).

On the spelling note, I make a point of spelling correctly as you can see. :D

On note of fluff heresy, don't really mind. As long as it all flows well, I'll post it up and see what you guys think of it (seeing as how you guys are the experts on Dark Elves and Eldacar has been a big help). Must be off now.

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Wed Mar 29, 2006 2:28 am
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Kharghais wrote:
and I will also do my best to refrain from using "offending" material (swearing and so on and so forth).


Eek, no - feel free to swear (moderately and as long as there's a point to it) in my neck of the woods. The offending material I was refering to was the superquotes and the red (my eyesssssss!).

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All my eloquence fails to express it as well as this.


Wed Mar 29, 2006 3:07 am
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A neutral shade of black. wrote:
Kharghais wrote:
and I will also do my best to refrain from using "offending" material (swearing and so on and so forth).


Eek, no - feel free to swear (moderately and as long as there's a point to it) in my neck of the woods. The offending material I was refering to was the superquotes and the red (my eyesssssss!).

ah, I see. Very well then. I just finished the part where Khadath kills the sorceress. I took maniacal glee in writing it, just as khadath took maniacal glee in killing her. :D

Khadath slowly approached the bedside of the Sorceress who now rested, oblivious to the presence of the Vampiric Elf. Her loyalties were to the Witch King and to the Witch King alone and Khadath was the only being in the chateau that knew this attempt at converting her thoughts would be a failure. He smiled at the thought of ripping her to shreds or burning her alive or feeding her to the Hydra which had been moved to the arena underneath the castle depths. As long as he saw her dead, he would be satisfied.
“Wake up, puppet,” growled Khadath as fiercely as possible. “Wake up.” The eyes of the Sorceress snapped open as she stared Khadath in the face, a look of sheer horror running over her. She tried to scream, but Khadath covered her mouth to prevent her from being heard. The ever-silent Khadath grinned even wider as he opened his maw to reveal massive canine fangs.
Even as he bit into the neck of the poor girl and drained her clean of the redness which filled her veins and body, the Sorceress spat at him and a thin smile appeared over Khadath’s lip as he licked the remnants of the fluids of her life essence off of her body, grinning a sickening grin as the signs of life slowly left her. As he finished the sipping of her life, he looked over her face, seeing the girl breathing harder than ever.
“Dear wench,” he began more maniacally than ever. “I will bleed your carcass until all that remains are the bones which form your puny frame. I feast on the gore which weeps from your body and I shall drink from your soul as you writhe in pain.” And as incredibly joyful he felt, he knew her weak carcass would not satiate his lust. The Soul Stones! Thought Khadath, rapture now stronger than ever, he then uttered the incantation that would bind her soul unto the stone. The incantation was mumbled under his breathe and the body of the Sorceress turned pale and lifeless as the Stone glimmered brightly as the Soul of the Sorceress occupied the Soul Stone.
“One more soul to drink,” tittered Khadath like a madman as he stared at the two Soul Stones.

There is the part where he kills the Sorceress. She never gets named.

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Wed Mar 29, 2006 11:55 am
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just curious, has anyone read that lil thing I put up and is it good? Thanks and auf wiederesehen.

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Thu Mar 30, 2006 7:46 pm
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Yeah i have... But the only trouble, seeing you've put all your ideas right here, is anyone going to read the story? I would, just to see how it turned out, but yeah... Still write it though, any read is a good read.

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Thu Mar 30, 2006 9:01 pm
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