First Characters background

[Hadier]

“Rain is in the air” she sighs as she returns home with her brother Delrix dragging home a large deer like creature. She shakes her head slowly “of course it’s going to rain” she says seemingly to herself. Than her brother lets out a slight chuckle “When doesn’t it rain sis we need to move our camp but the elders never listen”.

As they head back into the village they see their father waiting for them. Immediately They go quiet all their joking and laughing stops when they see him and she starts to worry as that is unusual him “Daughter I know you are tired from the hunt but more is needed of you” he says. After that she has a look of shock but that quickly fades and a sigh escapes from her and she weekly looks up into his eyes and asks “what can I do for our clan father?”

A smile crosses his face when she asks “This is a great honor for our family I must tell you the elders want us to watch over the Serpents Necklace” as soon as he has finished her brother starts to protest but he receives a cold look from their father and he looks away. “While you both were out hunting our clan has been blessed with the opportunity to go to war against our hated brethren” as soon as her father finishes speaking. She simply nods and tiredly starts shuffling off towards the building as she just starts on her way she hears a loud crack of thunder and it starts to rain in ever increasing amounts by the time she reaches the building it is pouring down rain and she is thoroughly soaked to the bone, her eyes quickly lock onto a tree near the building and climbs up into it and takes up a comfortable position. After several hours of just sitting in the cold and the tree she pulls her knees up into her chest and drifts off to sleep due to the pitter-patter of the rain and her pure exhaustion from the hunt.

After what feels like several hours she stretches a little and sees the hint of the sun coming up but there seems something out of place but she quickly realizes what it is one of their hounds is backing than she hears a sudden howl of pain with that she jumps out of the tree coving several yards in a single leap.

After a quick sprint around the corner of a building she sees a strange looking druchii with short cropped reddish hair fighting off one of their camps wandering hounds that has him by the leg. Then all of a sudden to her horror it feels like time almost slows as he rolls over trying to fight off the hound but as he does their clans ice blue silver necklace falls out of his shirt as that happens she sees him pull a dagger and stab the hound until it releases his leg.

With quite a bit of difficulty he gets up and starts quickly limping off for the edge of the village she quickly chases after him and unclips her crossbow from her back and slams in a clip and quickly sends a small burst of bolts chasing after him but to her dismay all they do is crack into the trees around him. Than swears and starts chasing after him again than a moment of terror grasps her heart as she realizes that he is going for the river at the edge of camp.

As he runs she says a short prayer to Khaine for his bloody hand to guide her bolt to the traitors’ heart with that she skids to a stop takes aim leading him like her brother taught her to and releases a bolt. She watches it fly and for all but the last moment she thinks it will hit its mark but she was wrong instead of killing him as the shot was intended to do it simply slams into his left shoulder and drives him into the river with a splash.

She quickly runs over to the riverbank but by the time she gets there he is gone. As she stands there the first rays of light peek over the mountain ridge she starts trudging her way through the mud back home. After what seems like hours in her mind she finally makes it back to the house and sees a curling plume of white smoke rising from their home, when she gets back she looks it over with a feeling of dread and steps inside.

As she heads in she can see her father on his knees in front of the fire and is tossing logs onto it to start breakfast she quietly pads over to him and looks down at him “Father I need to speak with you” he looks up at her with obvious irritation on his face.

Than he sees she is covered in a thick layer of mud and is soaked to the bone “what is it daughter? Why have you left your post?” he asks. With that she starts telling her story and as she starts she can see her brother coming out into the main room upon finishing her story her father slowly stands and withdraws a dagger.

She starts to back away as she sees him withdraw the dagger and then all of a sudden his face turns from the look irritation to that of hate and slashes out at her as she sees him swing she pulls away from just pure reflex but she discovers that she was not quite quick enough.

The tip slices deep into her left cheek ‘Father what is this?” she yells out as the tip sends a stream of blood after it she takes another step backwards and holds a hand to her face than all of a sudden he is almost on her again until her brother is there next to her and she looks at him and repeats the question the father simply responds “Her failure can only be redeemed in one way it must be a cleansing of blood.”

With that he makes another swipe in which her brother roughly pushes her out of the way and towards the door and yells “Go Nevuh Just GO!” so with that she runs out the door and starts heading north tears and blood slowly streaming down her face in burning hot streams as she runs she can hear fathers voice on the wing yelling at her that she is dead to him and that she had better never come back.

But she knows that if she can get the amulet back maybe just maybe see will be allowed to come back some day with that she has decided that getting back the amulet has become her top priority and that the thrice damned druchii that stole it will pay with his life but first she must find him. After not getting rest from the hunt and the quick sprint after the invader she ends up collapsing against a log and decides now is the best time to find out what she can and how she can get to a city someone is bound to know where to find a Druchii with short red hair, a horrible limp and a bolt wound in his back.

After a short while she is disappointed to see that all she is carrying on her is a short sword useless except in self defense, her repeater crossbow, seven clips of bolts that she had left over from the hunting expedition, her shade cloak she got several years back and a carved jade necklace in the shape of a coiled serpent with that she looks down at it and says “Don’t worry ill get your sister back from him even if it kills me” And with that she stands tucking it under her shirt and starts off north again.

if you think something should be changed please let me know as i said this is my first character and yes i know i have no posts but i have played dark elfs since last edition so i am not totally new to the warhammer universe.

Thanks

p.s. if someone can advise me on what i am doing wrong i would appreciate it i am spaceing it all out but its not working in terms of trying to tab everything out

[Khel]

I moved this from Character Creation to History of the Druchii forum, cheers ~Khel

[Tarbo]

The story's not bad, not bad at all--definitely amongst the better ones that occasionally pop up. But I do believe Khel is right in moving this to the History of the Druchii forum, since this is a story featuring a character rather than the description of a character. Still, I'll treat this as a background since I believe that was your intention.

On a syntactic level, please mind such necessities as punctuation. Correct punctuation adds a finishing touch to any text and --while it weighs heavily to say so-- distinguishes you from a significant group of aspiring writers and players. Your story is not too difficult to read, but you lose punch and momentum by having your reader decode your story on the fly. This is true for stories as well as character descriptions, so keep an eye out there.

Now, to the actual contents. Definite pluses here are a solid explanation as to why your character is on the adventuring path (finding the lost amulet), pointers to her past and upbringing (shade, brother), and giving an inkling of her personality.

A possible detraction is that the story feels like a hybrid of story and description in that, after reading this, I feel I still don't have a good idea of who Nevuh is--what her personality is. Try to focus more on describing your character (which is the point of a character background) rather than highlighting a part of her history. If need be, the part you've written here can be 'compressed' in one or two paragraphs.

But as I said: as the beginning of a story, it's pretty good.