the crow's story -army(general) themed fluff-

[No one]

first DE story it's about my general (kurakaii) and the mage peggy noble (Richuri)

The crow’s stories I


The crows flew high above the city, some of them landing on the top of one of the many spiked towers.
One of them flew up from his seat down to the arena, he could hear the clash of metal weapons and he hoped to find some warm, soft flesh for he hadn’t eaten for two days.
The arena was a large round building with an open roof and a plateau in the middle that was surrounded by an abyss, furthermore there were two platforms where people could watch two nobles fight eachother.
However when he finally reached the arena he saw the fight was already over, but he still saw a puddle pool blood on the ground, maybe he could still find some food here.
The winner stood at the edge of the arena, cloaked in the shadows, his Lakelui covered with blood and his Glaith seeming then he put it aside him and took his Lakelui and started to clean it up for the coming fight.
Then a new opponent entered the arena by the means of a lowered bridge, the young noble’s skin was pale, more than normal for a Druchii, and he was trembling with fear.
The elf in the shadows spoke some words in the sharp tongue of his kind and took his weapons and walked until he stood five steps away from his opponent.
The highborn’s name was Kurakaii, he had been the ruler of the city of Ar Gerai for over 1000 years and was a feared combatant, challenging anyone who dared to stand against him and his laws.
Although he was old, a mere 2000 years, he was still a handsome man, his hair was pitch black and his skin was pale but the most striking thing about him was the blood red rune on his face.
Trembling with fear the young noble assaulted Kurakaii and thrusted his Lakelui toward his cheek, but Kurakaii had seen the attack coming and turned to the right moving around the deadly weapon and striking with his Glaith for a paralysing blow.
The noble caught the blade with his own Glaith and returned the attack, but doing this he let his guard down and when his blade was blocked by Kurakaii’s Lakelui his Glaith, once again, rustled behind the young noble’s back and stroke him right in the back.
Paralysed by pain the young elf fell forwards and when he was on his knees Kurakaii merciless raised his Lakelui and stroke him right on his neck, his head was separated of his fuselage and Kurakaii roared in joy.
Two slaves entered the arena and took the headless body to bury it, the head however, was left on the ground. Two other slaves entered and brought Kurakaii his cloak and a new jerkin.
Then Kurakaii took the head and hung it at the blade of one of the spears at the other edge of the arena, still laughing he waited for a new opponent.
The crow flew toward the head and started eating, he had always loved the taste of warm flesh and he was lucky to live in a city where nearly every day blood was spilled.
Any time Kurakaii fought, he knew, he would have some food for that day, for Kurakaii was a cruel man and never allowed anyone who dared to challenge him to live.
then a new noble enterd the arena but, unlike the last elf, he wasn't scared at all:he was smiling!
But when they started their fight he was wounded many times and his smile quickly disappeared. And finally, when Kurakaii finally managed to take him down the noble thrusted his Lakelui into Kurakaii’s left eye. Howling in pain Kurakaii fell to the ground, when he finally got back on his feet he picked up the noble and threw him in the abyss.
When the screams of the noble couldn’t be heard anymore another noble stood up and challenged Kurakaii, so he could throw Kurakaii after his brother.
And although the crow was already done eating he still was in the arena, waiting, eager to know the outcome, and hoping for some kind of desserd.
When the fight started the noble dodged around Kurakaii, blocking every attack and wounding him several times, for hours they fought and finally, at the hour of midnight, Kurakaii disemboweld the noble, but he didn’t finish him.
He stood for several seconds, watching, and when he finally spoke he told the noble to choose: becoming his personal guard, for not even Kurakaii would kill someone with such exeptional combat skills, or being given to the witch elves to be sacrificed to Khalea Mensha Khaine. The noble realised that his choice was between a mild slavery or an agonising death, and decided to become Kurakaii’s personal guard.

Although disappointed, as he had hoped for more food, the crow was happy to know Kurakaii still lived and so many more elves would be killed for sure, and he would be there to eat them when Kurakaii hung their heads at te spears.
Then the crow raised his head to the air and flew up high, looking over the city he could see many more Druchii nobles walking in the arena and he thought: tomorrow there will be more flesh to feast on.

P.S.: sorry for gramm

[Drainial]

500 isn't old for an elf, actualy its kind of young, mature but young. An elf lives on average for about 2000 years, 2500 is realy pushing it, if you want him old then early 2000's or 1900's would be better. But the main point is that your high born is not the Drauchu of Karond Kar, it is said some where who it is though I cannot remember just now. It would be an easy fix to put him in as the lord of a smaller settlement, not one of the six cities, or a black ark which are essentaily towns in their own right, albit towns geared for sailing one big ship and raiding.

Other than that the crows perspective is interesting but it seems strange, I think that if you are going to have this from the perspective of a bird there needs to me more in the way of the intrests of the crow and less about the politics of the situation. Its a delicate balance I understand, you still need to tell the story afterall but it just didn't seem like your average scavanger bird would have that kind of information, and certainly wouldn't be recaling it.

It would probobly work better if you had the crow present at the day when all of the actualy story happens rather than years later, and prehaps put in a bit about how it was disapointing to leave without feeding. As it is the bit where you say

"The crow didn't care for such things he only cared about food" Seems a little odd when it has just gone into such detail about it. I mean is this the crow remembering or not?

Style wise if I were you I would try to set the scene more, I would quite like to know what the arena looks like for example, and is it a public event or is it just highborns watching, you dont make that clear.

One last point, you realy should use more grammer, even disregarding what realy should be in there in the intrests of grammer better punctation and espetialy paragraphs would help you tell the tale far more effectivly.

[Hateshighelves]

...actualy its ...2500 is realy...essentaily ...albit...intrests...scavanger bird...actualy (second time)...prehaps...disapointing to leave without feeding...realy...intrests of grammer...punctation and espetialy...effectivly.

actually, it's, really, essentially, albeit, interests, scavenger, actually (again), perhaps, disappointing, really (again), interests (again), grammar, punctuation, especially, effectively.

Spelling counts too.

[Drainial]

And when I actualy write up something like this I will use a spell check and proof read my work, when doing a quick reply such as this I realy do not see the point in doing so.

[Hateshighelves]

I'm just saying that it's hard to lecture someone about proper writing skills when one isn't willing to follow them oneself. I didn't even get into the grammatical, punctuation and syntax problems with your post.

Also, no one evidently lives in the Netherlands. He/she could be forgiven for less than perfect English writing skills.

I liked your story, no one--a good first effort.

[No one]

ok i'll try to make my stoys clearer and well i'll write a new story next week but ok i agree i shouldn't make the crow remember things more than 2 days earlier....one point drainial: i did give a discricription (spelling?) of the arena :
''The arena was a large round building with an open roof and a plateau in the middle that was surrounded by an abyss, furthermore there were two platforms where some bored highborn could watch two nobles fight eachother.''

but i'll try to write some more storys and take your opinions into account.

and i'll try to improve my gramm
thanks for help

P.S.: i changed the story a bid hope you like it!

P.S.S.:is it possible dark elves can use crows like man used pigions?

[Drainial]

Thats a description alright, but not a through one. I dont know how big the platforms are, are they seating half the nobility of the city or one highborn? Is the ground sand? Flagstones? A good description helps to set an atmosphear better than almost anything else.

P.S I dont know wheather there is anything about pidgeons that make them better at messengering than other birds but I dont see why crows could not be if they were trained. And besides even if humans can't do it Druchii are much better at training animals. I can't be certain but I think that in the Vampire Von Carstien book two (for the life of me I can't remeber its name) they actualy use a messenger bat. So I think you can do as you wish.

[No one]

well as promised a new story, I hope you'll like it and drainial I get your point and i tried to be a bid more specific. I'll change the first story in one of the next weeks but for now here's a new story it's aboud how my general came to make use of the survices of a male sorcerer.

The crow’s stories II

The stars were shining high above the city of Ar Gerai and the sky was pitch black.
The crow was sleeping, it had been a great day the area had been filled with insects, small animals and other food, but now he had been awakened by a noice down at the streets.
First he tried to neglect it but it grew louder and he could hear screams and shouting
but finally he gave up and flew down to see what was keeping him from sleeping.
When he reached the streets he could see someone running, the stranger was being chased by seven elves armed with spears and shields, which all seven bore the emblem of the city guard.
But during the chase the refugee several times turned around and fired a bolt of dark light towards his prosecutors which instantly ignited anyone struck by it.
But finally the lordling and three of the guards who had survived the magical bolts managed to surround the magic user and chained him, after that they took him to Kurakaii’s citadel. While on the move the lordling went close to the magic user and now in the light of his torch the crow could see it was a male elf: The elf’s hair waspitch black and full of dirt and his dark blue shirt and robe were ragged and dirty.
With a cruel voice the lordling whispered: you should have committed suicide when you had the chance, i don’t know why lord Kurakaii wanted you alive but I’m sure you’re doomed.
The sorcerer didn’t respond, nor did he show any other sign of reaction.
The crow actually wanted to return to his nest right away but something told him blood would be spilled this night.
The citadel was a great building with great walls and high with six tall, black, spiked towers: one at each corner, one above the gate and one, the biggest, in the middle, furthermore there was a square around the middle tower where the ground was covered with black sand, the gate was made of blackwood with a metal demonhead as an ornament.
When they finally reached the citadel the sorcerer was brought to the tower on the right, next to the gate, where an elf was waiting: Kurakaii.
He was wearing a deep red cloak and a icy blue hauberk, his left eye was covered by a black eyepatch and the left side of his face was covered by a glowing red rune.
When he saw the captured sorcerer approaching, the crow could see Kurakaii smiling.
When the lordling reached him he saluted: ‘lordling Verdiquaii reporting milord. We have captured the sorcerer, as you demanded to’
When Kurarkaii answered his voice was cold as ever but was trembling of agitation.
Well done soldier, you can leave now I’ll call you when I need you again, oh and loose his chains he is our guest not our prisoner.
But milord! The lordling said. He should better have kept his mouth shut. Kurakaii turned around, took the lordling’s sword out of the sleeve and cut him down immediately.
The crow smiled: his feeling had been right, he swooped down to drink.
After doing this Kurakaii turned to the other guards, ‘anyone else who wants to die?’ he shouted ‘now loose his chains or you will die too!’.
Quickly one of the guards released the sorcerer from his chains, after doing this the guards left.
‘Well well’ Kurakaii said ‘finally I got you Girchiceii’. ’Why do you need me?’ The sorecerer asked ‘Why don’t you ask the cofent if you need magical help?’. ‘One question at the time’ Kurakaii answerd ‘For now you’ll just have to know I need you for something the covent would never want to, or even be able to, help with: I want you to create a weapon that can beat any other, a weapon of immense magical power!’
The shock on the sorcerer’s face was incredible to see: He was looking like Kurakaii asked him to do something incredibly dangerous and painful. ‘But..I..I don’t know I’m even able to create such a weapon, controlling magical energy is extremely dangerous and I don’t even know how to forge magical weapons!’
‘Lies!’ Kurakaii said ‘I know your grandfather was able to create weapons like the Ruinsword and the Chillblade and I’m sure he told you how to forge such weapons!
The sorcerer told Kurakaii he had been taught the theorie but he’d never actually tried as he lacked magical training and experience. ‘I know’ Kurakaii answered ‘And I’ll make you a deal: I provide you the magical training and equipment to provide me with a magical weapon and I’ll protect you as I’m sure you don’t want to be caught by Malekith’s agents!’
‘Okay, I’ll do it’, the sorcerer said ‘but you have to promise you’ll protect me.’
Kurakaii agreed with this and after this he called for the guards he send away some minutes ago. When they finally arrived he told them to escort his guest to his new room in the southern tower, the stupefaction could be read of their faces when they heard these orders but, unlike the lordling, they held their mouths shut.
When they had left Kurakaii realised there was another guest at his citadel, there was a crow feasting on the body of the dead lordling. He liked the bloodlust the crow showed him, ‘maybe’ he thought ‘I could use something to deliver messages and to keep me company’ for even an elf like Kurakaii needed some companionship and as no one dared to be his friend he was pretty lonely. So he picked up the crow, the crow liked Kurakaii, his bloodlust made him a kindred bbeing to him. And so a new live began for the crow, a live in the service of Kurakaii.

oh and btw hates highelves I'm a he

i hope you enjoy my story have fun!

[Lah di d'har]

I like it, it’s an interesting perspective. You defiantly improved from your first try.

Just one comment, this isn’t exactly grammatically wrong and I do it a lot myself. So I really shouldn’t comment

The stars were shining high above the city of Ar Gerai and the sky was pitch black.

It’s that you use 'The' more than its required . If you see the above sentence as an example the first 'the' isn’t really needed.

I usually have to go though my own writing and execute all the extra 'The' to khaine

[Drainial]

Much better, the only point I would make is paragraphs, they just make it much easier to read. It has the look of a text that was indented, but Druchii net doesn't do indents for some reason.

[No one]

ok thanks for your replies I'll try to execute my 'the-problem' and paragraphs would be a nice idea.
next story coming soon.

[Saint of m]

Very cool. Love the bird. Some minor mistakes, but nothing that truly hinders the reader. Well done.