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Punishment -another story by Belial. Please Read and Rate. 
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Well, I couldn't help post another of my stories. I like the way this one turned out.



Looking out the high tower on the fields beneath him, he felt invincible. He was untouchable. A god. And yet, he could not help having a little fear. Even though it was ridiculous. He was Kehr'onden. He was the favoured of Slaanesh. In the dark recesses of his cellars, enemies which had dared draw sword at him was being whipped an tortured, driven to madness. He ran his fingers through his long black hair. He had defied the law. Twice. Placing his long, pale fingers over a unlit candle, a spark flew from the tips, catching the wick, a small flame blossoming forth. He was a criminal, in the eys of the society. But he was invincible. His castle, with it's many high towers, was placed in a valley, which was inaccessible because of the high mountains surrounding it. The only way in, was through a mountain pass. And that pass spelt doom for any who entered with menace. Each inch of the cliffside there had been exploited in every way, turned into defence positions and so forth. No army could enter his domain. His. Not the kings. His. Kehr'onden, or Maleus as he was really named, was very fond of the thought. The king could feel his defiance, but do nothing. He was Kehr'onden favoured of Slaanesh. He held demons in oath, and no army could touch him. Nothing. Not even the royal sorcerers, though powerful, could penetrate the magical shield his own sorcerers generated around the castle. Truly invincible. Sitting down in an ornate wooden chair, he inspected the room. His room. There was the bed, in which several females lay, asleep, exhausted from the nights actions. Kirta was his favoured. She was such a delightful one. A bit small, and young too, but she was so gorgeous. He flashed his perfect white teeth at the sleeping women. In a month or so, he would probably change them for someone else. He stood up, and went to the wall to regard the great painting. It showed him, battling and enslaving demons. He loved to see himself glorified. He was, however, not quite content about the way his nose had been painted on the painting. It was not as perfect as the real thing. But he had had the painter whipped. It had been a delightful scene.
He went again to the window. The moon was full tonight, and it cast an eerie light on the landscape. The valley was almost illuminated. The wind was blowing, strong, howling, as if in a rage. Even the gods defied him. But they could not touch him. Slaanesh watched over him. And even if someone should get at him, he was more than capable of taking anyone out. He was a powerful swordsman, as well as sorcerer. And his armour had deflected every blow directed at him in battle. And he always wore it, unless in bed. The air in the room changed. He cast his glance around. No. Nothing. He was, in spite, or maybe because of, his state of untouchability, becoming paranoid these days.
Nothing could touch him, he reminded himself. No one could get in here. Even inhabitants who had travelled outside his small city were killed if they tried to get in again. He went back to the painting. He looked once again upon the imortalization of his elevation from Maleus, noble of the house Syrio, keepers of one of the northern strongholds, created to hold back the tides of chaos, to Kehr’onden, favoured of Slaanesh. Kehr’onden. That was the name his god had given him.
He had returned from the wastes, brimming with newfound power, slaughtered his family, and turned the stronghold fortification into what it was today. A city of sin. The population had either converted to the prince of pleasure or had been executed. And there was nothing his so called king could do about it. The pitiful figure, the caricature of a king, whom he had once believed so in.
He mocked him. What was he, compared to the dark prince? Did not Kehr’onden himself command as much respect from his people, for his people they now was, the inhabitants of his small city, as the ragged king in Naggarond, if not even more? No, the king commanded no more respect him. And why should he? The king could not touch him here, in Kehr’ondens dark citadel.

Raising her small head, Kirta stirred from her sleep. She was exhausted. Her master was a demanding one, and it had seemed as if he could have gone on forever. Not that she complained. It had been so wonderful! Nothing could compare with it. None other could be compared with her lord and master. With drowsy eyes, she set her eyes upon her lord. He seemed to feel her gaze, and turned his head to look at her. He smiled at her, his face radiating sexuality. But what was that, behind him?

Kirta had awoken, Kehr’onden saw. She was looking up at him, with those beautiful eyes. He let his eyes travel all other her lithe body, and took in every detail. Her lips, so inviting. Her hair, dark, long, like a ravens feather. Her legs, like the limps of a cat, long and slender. Her breasts so… so…
But what was that expression on her face? She looked on him, as if puzzled. No. Not at him.
Past him. Then her expression changed from puzzlement, to horror. And then he felt the strange sensation, as coldness touched his throat, and subsequently a warm stream work its way down over his skin. He looked down, as if in a dream, and saw the blood, which had to be his. It poured down him, like a great river. As he fell to the floor, he caught a glimpse of the darkclad figure, with a long knife in hand. Then his heart beated no more.
Kirta screamed.




There you go. Noone escapes the wrath of malekith. Perhaps it's not totallu true to the fluff, but what the heck...

Tell me what you liked and disliked.[/i]


Wed Apr 27, 2005 4:43 pm
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very good story
all druchii must obey the will of Malekith or die anf you captured it well

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Wed Apr 27, 2005 5:18 pm
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Alright! This one is good. You really know how to write down the thoughts of people. Really nice work.
Like to see more and more.


_SJ


Wed Apr 27, 2005 5:22 pm
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Thank you very much for the response. This is what keeps me writing! But feel free to make "corrections" or negative points, so I can get even better. I think I soon will continue my first story. Thank you.

-Belial


Wed Apr 27, 2005 6:40 pm
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I like the story line. Please take the following as constructive criticism. You need to watch between single and plural tense. For instance:

"enemies which had dared draw sword at him was being whipped an tortured"

should be

"enemies which had dared draw sword at him were being whipped and tortured"

enemies which had dared bear weapons against him were being whipped and tortured"

might be even better.

Stylistically, I would maybe use the italics to denote him thinking, leaving normal type for actions. It would make it easier to differentiate between the two.

Finally, your punctuation and word use is a little off. Seeing as you are in Denmark, that certainly isn't something I'm going to fault you with. You have better grammar than many people that I know.

I hope you continue writing. You are very good at character development and tone setting in my opinion.

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Wed Apr 27, 2005 7:18 pm
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very cool story. Perhaps I can help you with some grammar and spelling mistakes.

Quote:
Looking out the high tower on the fields beneath him, he felt invincible.

This is the first sentence, unless you are withholding the identity of the main character on purpose you should put his name in the first sentence and then use pronouns for a little while after.

Quote:
He was untouchable. A god. And yet, he could not help having a little fear. Even though it was ridiculous.


Just a few small mistakes here "A god." is not a complete sentence and neither is "And yet, he could not help having a little fear." and neither is "Even though it was ridiculous."

Here is how you can fix it, take out the period after "untouchable" and put in a comma. Then take out the period after "god" and put in a semicolon ( ; ). you can take out the word "And" as it is sort of redundant, and finally, replace the period with a comma. If you think this makes the sentence too long you could keep the period after "god" and capitalise "yet".

"He was untouchable, a god; yet, he could not help having a little fear, even though it was ridiculous."

or

"He was untouchable, a god. Yet, he could not help having a little fear, even though it was ridiculous."

Quote:
In the dark recesses of his cellars, enemies which had dared draw sword at him was being whipped an tortured, driven to madness.

This one was already mentioned but I will go over it again. "enemies which" should be "enemies who" "had dared draw sword at him was being whipped an tortured" should be "had dared draw swords against him were being whipped and tortured" otherwise it's good.

Quote:
He ran his fingers through his long black hair

if both adjectives describe the noun then they need a comma between them so "long black hair" should be "long, black hair" unless "long" is describing "black" and not "hair".

Quote:
He had defied the law. Twice.

"Twice." is not a complete sentence so this should be "He had defied the law, twice."

Quote:
Placing his long, pale fingers over a unlit candle, a spark flew from the tips, catching the wick, a small flame blossoming forth.

There is a tense shift here "placing", "catching", and "catching" are present tense while "flew" is past tense. Since your story is written in past tense it should generally stay there so this should be "He placed his long, pale fingers over an unlit candle; a spark flew from the tips, caught the wick, and a small flame blossomed forth."

Quote:
He was a criminal, in the eys of the society. But he was invincible.

Here there is another fragment "But he was invincible" belongs with the previous sentence so it should be "He was a criminal in the eyes of society, But he was invincible."

Quote:
The only way in, was through a mountain pass. And that pass spelt doom for any who entered with menace.

another fragment, it should be "The only way in was through a mountain pass, and that pass spelt doom for any who entered with menace."

Quote:
No army could enter his domain. His. Not the kings. His.

"His." and "Not the kings." are not sentences but part of the previous sentence so this should be "No army could enter his domain, his, not the king's, his." Maybe you could put an exclamation mark here too, just a suggestion.

Quote:
The king could feel his defiance, but do nothing. He was Kehr'onden favoured of Slaanesh.

Here we have a comma that has lost its way ;) you don't need the comma in the first sentence but you do need one in the second sentence. "The king could feel his defiance but do nothing. He was Kehr'onden, favoured of Slaanesh."

Quote:
Nothing.

once again this is not a complete sentence, add it to the last one with a comma.

Quote:
Not even the royal sorcerers, though powerful, could penetrate the magical shield his own sorcerers generated around the castle.

I would say take out the word "Not" at the beginning and put it between "could" and "penetrate" and the sentence will sound better.

Quote:
Truly invincible.

another non-sentence but it doesn't belong to the last one, I think it should be "He was truly invincible."

I won't correct anymore non-sentences cause I think by now you get the idea.

Quote:
But he had had the painter whipped.

take out "But" and maybe add the first "had" to he in an abbreviation: "he'd had" instead of "he had had" this works better I think.

I think I will stop here because I don't want this to look like a flame post. I really do like the story and on the whole it is very well written but has a few small grammar errors. I posted this because I want to help and I spent a lot of time on the post because I think the story is well written and deserves my time.

LordBelial, if you want more corrections you can PM me and I will PM all corrections to you. Great job on the story, I realize that English is probably not your first language and I hope I am helping and not discouraging you. I hope that you take the time I spent correcting your grammar as the compliment I intended.

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Wed Apr 27, 2005 8:23 pm
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a great story you have written there belial, a great story. loved every moment of it and it is true no one escapes the wrath of the witchking. :twisted:

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Wed Apr 27, 2005 8:28 pm
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Arduhn; great comment :D Now that's the kind of thing I'd like to see more in this forum :) A nice shiny star for you Image

As for your comments about whole sentences, it's a form of style. I use it sometimes too, and really comes into its own when reading the story aloud.


Wed Apr 27, 2005 8:35 pm
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that's true, I suppose that can be a style choice using short, snappy fragments; I find it a bit distracting though.

For the record though, a full sentence includes at least one subject (noun or pronoun) and at least one action (verb). "He wasn't." is a full sentence "Wasn't." is not

Oh, one more thing I wanted to mention, and this is a style thing, maybe have some of the stuff about him being invincible etc. as his own thoughts. If you have the narrator saying it, it makes the narrator unreliable which can be ok but I think it would be better as him saying it to himself to reasure himself.

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Thu Apr 28, 2005 6:01 am
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i definitely like this story but it is a bit odd that an assassin could enter undetected and would he not turn when he saw Kirta looking past him? But apart from that and the occasional confusion caused by thoughts i really like this. I am also looking forward to seeing the end of your first story! that was really good and inspired me to write my own check it out its called assassin in lustria story.

Yours,
Quel-Thas

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Thu Apr 28, 2005 10:14 am
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First of all, thank you to Arduhn. As Leth has already pointed out, this is what would be great at theese forums.
It does not at all discourage me, but gives me the chance to avoid future mistakes, as I am pretty sure was your intent.
One thing:
Arduhn wrote:
I suppose that can be a style choice using short, snappy fragments; I find it a bit distracting though.

Exactly what is it. My computer did remind me of the failure, putting those small freen lines under the sentences and calling them fragments, but I decided against correcting them, as it... well, didn't seem right to my ears. It is a style.

But thank you on the corrections. I am happy that you dedicazte time, and as far as I can see, it has been quite some time ;)
I could give even more thanks, but I feel I have expressed my gratitude now :D

Another thing:
quel-thas wrote:
but it is a bit odd that an assassin could enter undetected and would he not turn when he saw Kirta looking past him?

Have you read the fluff about Shadowblade? In there, a rumor is produced that he killed a emperial rich-thingie although there was guards in his room. They never knew 'till the next morning. It is my oppinion that a druchii assasin is fully capable of theese things, at least the most skilled. Don't know, but I think they can.

Onyx Paladin wrote:
Stylistically, I would maybe use the italics to denote him thinking, leaving normal type for actions. It would make it easier to differentiate between the two.

Could have, yes, but they are not entirely his thoughts. More like an author telling his thoughts. Hmmm... how to explain... as if the author read his mind aloud.

That's about all.

One last thing:
Thank you to all who has left a comment, negative(none here though), positive, or both. Far too many people read the stories people post without leaving a comment. This leaves one at a loss on how good your story turned out. I apreciate everyone of you who have writte has done so. Thank you.


-Belial


Thu Apr 28, 2005 12:26 pm
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