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A dark ones past part 10 

Did you enjoy Reading the story?
Yes 83%  83%  [ 5 ]
No 17%  17%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 6

A dark ones past part 10 
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Carlaith starred towards the grand city of Naggaroth, the greatest city of the dark elves. To think of all the nobility, that lay in the many towers, and spires.

Carlaith had trained, under the city guard for many years, and was an accomplished warrior. Unlike the other Druchii, she held distinctive features that made her unique, within the land of Naggaroth. She had a long main of fiery red hair, crystal blue eyes, her slender figure hidden away under a black and purple cloak, and armour of the city guard. But like all Dark elves she wore a fair, and pale completion.

She was different to her kin, for in truth she was not, completely a Druchii. She possessed the soul and spirit, but not the blood of one. Her mother was that of a Brettonian heritage. Her father, a heartless Druchii Noble, they met at the scene of yet another raid, led by the dark elves. Carlaith’s Father ordered the town his forces where raiding, to be pillaged and burned. All those who where unfortunate to be captured, where enslaved, killed or raped. Carlaith’s Father took part personally, in this terrible act.

Carlaith’s mother was one of the many who suffered this fate. She was brought back to Naggaroth with countless others, destined for a life slavery, and torture. For Months she was held captive, Carlaith’s father, seeing that she bore a child released her from her prison, and took her to the camps of the shades.

He dropped her to the floor, she screamed with agony, but this did not phase him, as he walked away without a word. Her screams began to worsen, she was giving birth.
The shades gathered around her believing her to be of Druchii blood. Within hours Carlaith was delivered, the strain however, had taken its toile on her mother. The agony that surged through her body was unbearable, and with her last dying breath, the sight of her new born daughter where her last visions of the world.

Carlaith was taken, by the shades, once she became of age; they trained her in the ways of there arts. Her skill grew with each passing year, as she aided her fellow comrades in protecting the lands of Naggaroth. Before long, her skills had far surpassed that of any other, so she was sent to Naggarond its self, to join the city guard. Carlaith had been told of her past, but the shades did not inform her of her father, she hoped to find him in order to learn of her past. Perhaps in Naggarond there paths may meet.

Im hopeing for this to be a longer series than my other works, hope you like it and i hope to write the other parts soon.


Last edited by Raziel02 on Sat Apr 01, 2006 12:23 pm, edited 13 times in total.



Sun Mar 12, 2006 8:31 pm
Witch King's Envoy
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a half-elf? :shock:

this can't not be interesting as you develope it futher. However, (this is just opinion, not actual conjecture) I've always thought warhammer elves to be far too proud to even look at a human wench in that manner, but this guys later actions made up for some of it I guess.

And one more thing, Shades begin their training the moment they are born. They don't wait till they come of age. Pretty good read.

Cheers.


Sun Mar 12, 2006 11:08 pm
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Hmm...I wouldn't put it past the less pleasant Dark Elf lords to use a slave as...ahem, a tool. He would, of course, probably kill her after that.

The problem with this story is that it would never happen in Druchii society. A half-elf would simply be killed outright as an abomination.

Anyways, congrats. I've seen leaps and bounds of improvement in your writing: keep it up.

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Mon Mar 13, 2006 3:09 am
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Nice Work, Warhammer is one of the only Fantasy Worlds where half-elves are unheard of

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Mon Mar 13, 2006 5:42 am
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You've improved quite a bit, Raziel, if I may be so bold to say that. This work is a lot easier to read and is quite appealing to the eye (and getting that right is an art). Spelling and grammar are also alright.

The only issue I have with this work is the story itself. As others said before, Druchii wouldn't let a half-Elf live any other life than the one of a slave. Remember, they are basically fascists: everyone who isn't Druchii is inferior.

If you'd want Carlaith to live, you'd need to find a way to mask the identity of her mother and make sure the traits of Carlaith are not too dissimilar from the average Elf.

One way would be to have the mother escape, give birth and then put the baby near a settlement after seeing the baby could be mistaken for an Elf. I don't know whether this would be helpful since I'm not aware of any further developments you might have in store.

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Mon Mar 13, 2006 2:36 pm
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plus one more thing I noticed, Shades don't miss much, but you said that they mistook the mother for an elf. Not having pointy ears would be a big give away.


Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:48 am
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These points may be true, but i tried to create a character that has not been done before, and the thought of a half elf was differnet, thank you for the responses, i dont think i will be making any major changes to the story line, im simply going to cary on with it, these points may be true but i dont belive that it complety ruins the story, but again thanks for the replies.


Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:37 pm
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so she would not know she is half-human? thats a storyline developing right there. and why would she become a city guard if she was raised by shades? surely she would be a shade. still good. very good :)

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Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:51 pm
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and why would she become a city guard if she was raised by shades? surely she would be a shade.

the way i wrote it, is that her skills became far greter than the sades that she was involved with, i also need her in naggaroth, for story line reasons, but i suppose i could of just kept her as a shade.


Tue Mar 14, 2006 3:46 pm
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ok i guess thats ok

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Tue Mar 14, 2006 3:50 pm
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Quote:
tried to create a character that has not been done before


and for that I salute you. The idea of a half-elf wandering around Naggaroth makes for some excellent story potential. I was just pointing out minor things that caught my eye.


Tue Mar 14, 2006 4:54 pm
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congrats, this is definately the best of your stories I've read so far. It is indeed a very interesting point of view, though fluffwise, as SleekDD mentioned, you made a few errors. The story in itself has potential, and your writing skills are improving a lot.

hope to see the next part soon !wink!

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Tue Mar 14, 2006 8:31 pm
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It had been a year since Carlaith had joined the city guard of Naggaroth. Her skills in combat awarded her with the ascension to the level of captain. Although her duties where minimal, a simple patrol in one of the many streets of Naggaroth, it was still a position of power, the first steps toward Nobility.

The sun began to rise, as the shadows crept away, and the heavy activity within the city began anew. Carlaith and her guard began there regular patrol, even in the fabled capital of the Druchii, corruption held a firm root. The patrols heavy footsteps could be heard echoing through the street, as they marched. Not far away, raised voices could be herd, Carlaith, quickened her pace, and peered round the stonewall.

There she could see two elves, one old, and the other young. The elderly elf held the other by the scruff of his cloak, and was barking orders at him,
‘‘ How could you fail at such a simple task, the blade was yours for the taking, and yet you failed once again’’
The young elf had fear within his voice as he replied
‘‘ The high elves, interrupted, there numbers where great, we had no time to secure the blade. If we didn’t retreat we your men would all be dead now’’
‘‘Did they find it, the high elves did they take the blade’’
The elderly elf threw his servant down upon the floor, in a state of anger and frustration.
‘‘No, it is well hidden, besides, there magic can not break the seal upon it, dark magic is required to obtain the blade’’

The elderly elf, seem to calm slightly as he took a deep breath.
‘‘ Still, if they see that we are after something they will guard it with there lives, for your failure, you should die by my hand, but you still hold use to me scholar, send a message to the convents, I whish to hire the services of the sorceresses.’’

The scholar scrambled from the floor, and ran as fast as he could, Carlaith looked back at the Elderly elf, he looked up to sky and sighed before walked away.

hope its an enjoyable read, thenext part will be as soon as possible


Wed Mar 15, 2006 3:54 pm
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its good. very good. like i said before. if this wasnt on the internet i would clap :D

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Wed Mar 15, 2006 4:27 pm
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Thank you for the replies and thanks for the compliments, its nice to see that people think i am improvieng, and hopefully i will continue doing that, and in genral to all the people who have replied regarding my stories thank you, because you have given some sound advice, and one or two of you are becoming regulars :D this particular story is going to be about five parts maybe more depending how the plot turns out and hope fully that will be done soon, and then i can start on a new one :D


Wed Mar 15, 2006 7:55 pm
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Carlaith was baffled by what she had heard. A whole tale of strange happenings seemed unlikely to her, but still she was captivated by it. She did not know how to follow such an event, so she decided to consult her superiors.

She walked up the spiral staircase, the thoughts of what she would say where racing within her head. She relived the orders that the Elderly elf had given, all of the events he had foretold. The activity of the elves would be of a high interest to her lords, but the thought of this blade that was referred to, interested her the most.

Carlaith came to the end of the stairs, a large wooden door stood before her. She took a deep breath before entering the room. Within waited two Druchii nobles, who took responsibility of leading the town guard. They sat in a cold plain room, it was undecorated, the only distinguishable items that lay in the room, where two pictures, one of Morathi, the other of the Witch king. One of the nobles slowly raised himself from his seat and addressed Carlaith.
‘‘You have information for us Carlaith, I hope this is important, we have little time for speculation, and rumours’’
The second noble simply stared at Carlaith his hand held under his chin.

Carlaith began to speak
‘‘Last morning, I overheard a conversation of a Druchii lord. He discussed the activity of the asur, but what most intrigued me, was that he talked of a blade, one which needed Dark magic in order to obtain it, it seemed strange to me, that the asur would try and stop this dark elf from obtaining this item, I did not know what to do, or how to act upon this situation, so I came to you’’

The two Nobles looked at each other, both with a confused look about them. The Druchii, who sat down, spoke for the first time, since Carlaith had entered the room,

‘‘I believe you where right to do so, any activity, initiated by the asur must be met, and if this blade has any significance, then it can not fall into the hands of the asur, or this Lord you speak of, if he has not informed others of his discovery, then it is clear that he is not to be trusted either, we must act quickly, this mystery may unfold before we can discover the truth behind it, Carlaith, look for this lord see if you can find any more information, where this blade lies and who he is, we shall send word for any sightings of the asur to reported, this assignment is secret Carlaith, no others can hear of this, am I understood captain’’


Fri Mar 17, 2006 3:23 pm
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the plot thickens. its brilliant you really are good at this. :D just keep doing it and youll be a pro by the time you finish it ;)

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Fri Mar 17, 2006 3:57 pm
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I'll admit I'm starting to feel humbled by your stories. I could learn a thing or two from you it seems. 8)

I'll be keeping my eye on this thread.

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Fri Mar 17, 2006 5:33 pm
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I like it a lot, it's nice and original, and is quite well written too. It has a lot of ways for the plot to go, and I look forward to reading more. I'm fine with the idea of a half-elf personally, as it gives some scope for twists in the plot, and is of course rather original.

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Fri Mar 17, 2006 8:44 pm
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The only thing I can see in the way of correction besides a few insignificant errors is that you are not using punctuation in the character dialogues. Putting periods, question marks, or exclamation points before the quotation marks gives closure and order to the sentences.

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Fri Mar 17, 2006 10:12 pm
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Mornar Shethurith wrote:
The only thing I can see in the way of correction besides a few insignificant errors is that you are not using punctuation in the character dialogues. Putting periods, question marks, or exclamation points before the quotation marks gives closure and order to the sentences.


yeah but since when has anyone's punctuation on druchii.net been perfect?

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Sat Mar 18, 2006 8:08 am
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Well, never...but this is the traditional time and place to improve it. ;)

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Sat Mar 18, 2006 11:04 am
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With her mission at hand, Carlaith speed down the tower. She had no knowledge of this lord, who he was or what he doing, she had no idea where to begin her search. The streets of Naggaroth, held thousands of secret alleys and passages, this lord could be in anyone of them. Carlaith emerged from the tower, her head ringing with confusion. She thought to her self, he sought the sorceresses, perhaps he lay in the convents, it was a starting point at least.

Carlaith broke into a sprint, pushing her way through the many Druchii that where littered amongst the streets. A deep roar could be heard over head, as a Druchii noble, patrolled the skies upon a black dragon, it circled the many towers like a black cloud its wings seemed to be able to block the very sun. Carlaith looked up in awe, upon the great beast, what power the rider had to tame such a creature.

The crowds of Druchii had past and all around Carlaith seemed silent; she ceased to run, and walked slowly as she took in the view of her surroundings. All though the morning sun shined upon Naggaroth, all around her seemed dead and empty. A guard walked in the distance, she called to him, but received no reply. The guard had swiftly disappeared round the corner; Carlaith quickened her pace as she followed. The guard had ran in an attempt to escape her, she gave chase, yet the guard was swift. Carlaith was now feet away from him, he turned yet another corner. Carlaith surveyed the area, yet again nothing, when she was met with a powerful blow.

She staggered and reached for her blade, blades crashed, as the guard threw himself into combat. Carlaith successfully parried the blows but her opponent was a swift and skilled swordsman. They both struggled against one other, but within the confined arena in which they battled, Carlaith was being backed to a corner. The guardsman heaved a might blow upon Carlaith, the noise echoed through out the street like a scream. The force was great enough to throw Carlaith’s balance. She fell and felt the cold stone of the wall as her head crashed upon it, Her body slid to the floor, as she lay unconscious.

Carlaith awoke with an unbearable pain. Her head felt like it was split in two. She lay in a room, which was lit by candlelight; the moon could be seen shinning brightly. With a great effort, she raised her self of the bed; below her she could hear voices. A great cheer boomed from down below. Carlaith had no idea where she was, or how long she had lay there. Perhaps the people down below could tell her.


Sat Mar 18, 2006 2:54 pm
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briliant like all the ones before. what country are you from? you could serious write things like this for a living in a few more years. :D :D :D

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Sat Mar 18, 2006 4:52 pm
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Thank you, i would love to be able to write professionally, ive got a lot of work to do but hopefully one day that might just happen. So you saying that is a real complement lamehk, as for where i live, im from England.


Last edited by Raziel02 on Sat May 30, 2009 11:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Sat Mar 18, 2006 5:41 pm
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