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The Scharfenburg Pigeon Massacre 
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Blasphemer and Heretic
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I came up with this little story in this shower this morning. It had me giggling for hours. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. - Kala

--------------

Drugor surveyed his minions mustering before the palisade wall of Scharfenburg. The Blood God would be pleased this day. His Chosen Warriors would smash the wooden fortress to firewood and rampage through the pathetic little border fort. He could already feel the blood frenzy rising in his soul. Many skulls would be laid at the feet of Khorne this day.

A fluttering noise at his shoulder distracted him from his daydreams of carnage. He tried to turn his head, but the huge, spiked pauldrons of his chaos armor blocked his view. There came a soft cooing noise from the other side of the pauldron and a sizzling hiss.

He lifted his axe and tilted the polished face to see around the flanges of his pauldron. There was pigeon perched on his shoulder. It peered back at his reflection in the huge weapon. Around its chest was strapped a packet of red paper tubes. A fuse was slowly burning up toward the packet.

A flash of panic passed through him as he recognized what was happening. Every Chosen Warrior hoped to die in glorious combat with his name written in blood on the eternal altar of the Khorne, not blown to shreds by a pigeon bomb. His god would not like this.

Drugor attempted to reach up to his shoulder, but his chaos armor simply wasn't designed to move like that. Every twist and extension of his arm locked up the protective plates with a metallic click.

He grunted in frustration and began flailing with the haft of his axe, banging at his shoulder plates. There came another fluttering noise. A few feathers drifted down in front of his helmet visor. He breathed a sigh of relief.

But then came the sound of tiny talons clicking on the top of his helmet, followed by the awful cooing and the dreaded hissing of the fuse.

Drugor screamed in rage and banged the axe handle against his helmet. More feathers flew and the wings fluttered again. But the clicking of the pigeon's talons sounded again on the other side of his helmet.

"Brutor!" he called out to his standard bearer. "Get it off! Get if off!"

Brutor turned his head to his commander and saw the pigeon roosting on the horns of his helmet. Before Drugor could protest, Brutor lifted his axe and swung down at the pigeon. There was a splash of blood as the axe smashed through Drugor's helmet and embedded itself in his skull.

As Drugor dropped to the ground, the unharmed pigeon started to climb up the shaft of Brutor's axe. Brutor swatted at it with his free hand as he tried to pull his axe free. The pigeon took to the wing and flew straight up to perch on his shoulder pauldron.

Brutor dropped the axe and desperately reached up to his shoulder. The chaos armor locked up. In a panic, he began to flail around in a circle and shout "Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!"

The heads of twenty Warriors of Khorne in full battle frenzy turned at the sound of their two favorite words. No sooner had they seen the feathered menace flapping on the shoulder of their comrade-in-arms than they descended on him in a storm of axes.

Lord General Kaor shouted at them to hold their positions. But his Warriors were lost in their battle frenzy. They continued hacking at the pigeon as it fluttered from shoulder to shoulder. Blood splashed, armor split and feathers flew. But the pigeon was never struck.

In a fit of rage, Lord General Kaor drove his Juggernaut into the melee in an attempt to restore order.

The premature battle drew the attention of the Marauder tribal leaders on the front line. Thinking that the Warriors were battling for command of the army, they turned their backs on the enemy fortification and joined in the fray.

The smell of carnage drew the attention of the Flesh Hounds and the Bloodletters. Daemons leapt into the melee, blindly attacking anything that moved.

---

Up on the palisade wall, the old Engineer chuckled as he put down his spyglass. The forces of Chaos had lived up to their name. They were now in such a state of disarray that they were slaughtering each other indiscriminately and had completely forgotten about his pigeon bomb.

He picked up his Hochland Longrifle to add to the number of casualties. As he closed one eye and selected his target, something obscured the lens of his rifle scope. There came a soft cooing noise and a sizzling hiss.

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Fri Mar 30, 2007 4:27 pm
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Hehe,great story!
The pigeon bomb certainly is a rather fluffy weapon. And a rather unpredictable on one to I might add. Reminds me of clan skyre.

Haha the miracles promised to be born out of 500 hundred years of human studying and development in technology and the darn empire end up with such a.... funky weapon. GW have a certain sense of humor.....

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Fri Mar 30, 2007 5:01 pm
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I take it the pigeon returned to its master then?

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Fri Mar 30, 2007 6:09 pm
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My Lord General...that's some good stuff. You have made my morning. Only would chaos be stupid enough to wear such restrictive armor and well...poor poor Engineer :P

It always seems to me that the best ideas I can ever come up with are when I'm in the shower or on the throne. Good to see I'm not alone.

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Fri Mar 30, 2007 6:14 pm
Profile YIM
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Interesting story. Lets hope the bomb took down most of wall too!

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Fri Mar 30, 2007 6:21 pm
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Pigeon power! Hurray! And i'm glad that the engineer got taken down. Honestly, its not nice to be so cruel to chaos (or pigeons). And is it me, or did the pigeon seem to be the most intelligent part of the army?

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Fri Mar 30, 2007 6:54 pm
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Why aren't I in the credits?

:D

Lovely story, Kala.

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Sat Mar 31, 2007 2:11 am
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Wow, hilarious story...its probably true that the armour would lock up and wouldn't be able to move much. So funny, when the Battle standard just sliced the guys head in half. You may of just inspired me to make up my own funny short stories.

Hey..whats that on top of my computer?

Cooo...Cooo..ssss..

AAAAHHH!!!

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Sat Mar 31, 2007 4:35 am
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One word: Cool

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Sat Mar 31, 2007 8:05 am
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Coool. Just so funny.

cheers rob

Pigeon Power


Sat Mar 31, 2007 9:50 am
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Blasphemer and Heretic
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Khelmor Blackspine wrote:
...its probably true that the armour would lock up and wouldn't be able to move much.


If you look at the cover illustration of the Hordes of Chaos book, you realize that the Chaos Warrior could raise his sword but could never touch his own sholder. Plus, there are blind spots all over him.

So yeah, that was part of my inspiration.

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Sat Mar 31, 2007 2:45 pm
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lol Hilarious. I love that the little pidgeon booked it out of there and returned to its master. ^_^

Makes me wonder if the pidgeon wasn't secretly trained by druchii beastmasters, or if humans are just stupid.

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Sat Mar 31, 2007 5:04 pm
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Kala, you're killing me...

that story was so funny and so possible...

but why did the fuse take so long to blow up?


Sun Apr 01, 2007 8:47 am
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the fuse took so long because of shoddy human engineering. or everything just happened really fast :P

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"Like never before will the weaker race of men tremble before our might."

Lord Yeurl to his captain before a battle in the Old World.

R4V3N wrote:
do not question eldacar.


his word is law.


Sun Apr 01, 2007 9:01 am
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ROFL. I feel out of my chair. Literally! Thank you!


Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:02 am
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Great stuff, Kala. While the pigeon bomb is the protagonist here, what really makes it so funny is the image of all those evil, tough and fearless chaos warriors madly hacking away at that innocent bird. If I had any drawing talent, I'd have made it into a comic. Maybe someone else feels inspired, though.

Seriously, though, the whole pigeon bomb idea is hilarious by itself, is it not?

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Sun Apr 01, 2007 7:43 pm
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I could draw a comic, i have some experience with that... If Kala permits I draw that and publish it here at D.net... Is that okay with you?


Mon Apr 02, 2007 1:57 pm
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Some examples of my works:
http://www.druchii.net/album_personal.php?user_id=12416


Mon Apr 02, 2007 1:59 pm
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Blasphemer and Heretic
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No, let's let this one stay in the imagination of the reader. But I don't have any problem with you coming up with other comics.

That is, as long as they amuse His Majesty. *Gives Draknir an intimdating stare-down*

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Mon Apr 02, 2007 2:03 pm
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Ha, that was really good. Had me actually chuckling out loud, which is seldom when I'm alone in front of my computer.

Great stuff!


Mon Apr 02, 2007 4:19 pm
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