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My first story, please Read and Rate, PART II FINISHED 
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So this is a story I made, during my frenchlesson(I hate french)
It follows an empire army, marching home from battles at the bretonian border. Druchii will feature, although onoly shortly, as this is only the start. I will continue it later, if people like it.

the story:


Part I


It was in the early morning, and Kurt was at the end of the last hour of his shift.
In the nearby trees nightingales sang, their high pitched voices sounding through the small wood.
It had been an easy shift, but that was to expect. The Empire army, returning from the Bretonian border, had seen no sign of danger during the long travel, and why should they?
They were far from the dangerous north, where one had to watch out night and day for barbarians of the northern tribes. They were far from the dreaded southlands, where the dead was said to walk as the living. Even Orcs or Goblins never roamed these areas, but was more frequently sighted in the eastern parts of the empire. Yes, these plains were a safe haven for the homecoming soldier, here laid no surprises. Also, the place they had camped for the night was perfect! They were marching through plainsland, and had chosen to camp nearby some trees, as to have a source of firewood. Apart from the trees, the rest were flat plainsland. They would be able to spot enemies miles away. To the north of them spread the vast waters of the sea, so they even had a nice view while enduring the painful long march. The march. No matter the promises they gave you to make you join the army, they couldn’t make up for the marching. That was his opinion. How he hated marching.
Kurt took a deep breath. Today’s march would be even harder, now he had been on guard duty half the night. He cursed himself. [That’s the punishment of arguing with the captain], he thought. Perhaps he would be able to catch a little sleep, if his relieve would not be too late. It shouldn’t be long.

Jens was running. He was late. He knew Kurt, the man he was going to relieve on guard duty the last few hours before the army packed up and moved on, good enough to know he’d be furious if Jens was late. Jens looked up ahead. He was almost at the small forest where Kurt would be waiting.

Kurt Cursed. His relieve should have been here by now. And as always, it was Jens that was to relieve him, and as always, he was late…
He sighed. [Typical], he thought. [One of these days, I’ll report it to the captain].
He was tired of Jens always being late, and it was especially tiresome now, when he was cold and tired, and now maybe not able to sleep before they would ascend on the mach yet again…
Also, the forest was getting very dark now. Aye, the saying was true. It’s always darkest before dawn. The wind was picking up strength. Kurt shivered. [Oh great… Now it’s even colder.]
He pulled his warm, brown cape even tighter around his uniform. Then, suddenly, he stood still, listening.
He barely had time to wonder why the nightingales had ceased singing, before a crossbowbolt pierced his throat, bringing him to the ground without a sound. Without time to scream.
Kurt Ganzdohr would never have to march again.




That's it. I guess that you allready now guess what is happening. I will continue the story if I get positive comments, or avice I can use to improve it.
Please write comments!


Last edited by Belial on Sat Apr 16, 2005 2:10 pm, edited 3 times in total.



Mon Mar 21, 2005 6:00 pm
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Nice bit, a little elaboration of where it all takes place would be cool but this is one nifty intro. My compliments, especially for already including details. It's what makes it a real story, instead of a summing-up of facts.

Looking forward to the follow-up, don't wait too long :)


Mon Mar 21, 2005 6:11 pm
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Thank you! I will follow up with the continuation in next weak I think. I'm a bit bussy the next two days(actually, VERY bussy), so won't be able to write really. It takes place ion the northwestern part of the empire, and I will include that(thanks to you comment) when the whole story is complete. As for now, I will just continue the story.


Mon Mar 21, 2005 6:15 pm
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Good writing. one note thought; I think a repeater crossbow is used to pepper the enemy full of bolts, not used to sniper someone, an arrow is what you might get through your throat, not a RxB bolt IMHO. So I'd change the story to that he is either filled with bolts, emitting a chort shreik of suprise and falls dead to the ground, or an assassin slithers up behind him and quietly slits his throat.

Just curious, why would Jens be running to a forest to releive Kurt of his watchduty, normally the sentinels are standing at the edge of the camp, but in your story I get the impression that he is rather far away. Did I missunderstand or how come?

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Mon Mar 21, 2005 6:47 pm
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Kurt is far off, sheltered at the start of the forest, as a far off sentinel at the end of camp would not ber ale to peer inot the woodland. Although they don't expect trouble around this place, they are still careful. Actually, this is just an apology, as you are completely right, and I only did realise just now. I needed him to be far off from the camp.
Hmmm... I'll work out some kind of better excuse for the final version.


Tue Mar 22, 2005 9:57 am
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Nice story. Good detail, it put the picture right into my head (especially the part about the crossbow bolt :twisted:) Much better use of a french class.
Get the sequil out. SOON!!!

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Wed Mar 23, 2005 6:42 pm
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Like Darenth said about the part with the Xbow: Cool, very nice detail. Really captured the moments of a guardsmen on duty.

_SJ


Wed Mar 23, 2005 7:50 pm
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Very nice :) Enough detail to capture the feel of the scene and what is actually happening, unlike "then he went and drank beer" where the text gives no reference to the change of scenery...

Great work and don't wait too long before writing up the next part :)

- Loran

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Wed Mar 23, 2005 10:05 pm
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Thank you so much for the response! It really encourages me, especially since this is the firswt story I have actually sended out(apart from school asignments)
I will be ready with the sequel next weak, I reckon.


Fri Mar 25, 2005 8:19 pm
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Don't be too hasty though. It would be such a pity to having to do it too hasty and making mistakes---you've shown that you can do pretty well.


Fri Mar 25, 2005 9:17 pm
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Don't worry. If it's not finished for the week, it¨s not finished. no deadlines. As it is now, I have not started(no sparetime, because of my girlfriend... well, actually, alot o sparetime, but none for writing).


Mon Mar 28, 2005 11:32 am
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the second part is now up! It is slightly longer, but enjoy!
Response is very welcome!

Part II

Smiling, Kython hooked his Repeater Crossbow back in his belt.
An easy shot. They would take out one sentry after the other, until the camp was unprotected prey.
Prey. That was all the human was. Prey and slaves.
Kython brushed a lock of his jet-black hair away from his eye. He looked back at his black clad companions, who were all dressed as he, in the traditional dressing of the shades.
Kython was the natural leader of these shades. He was tall, strong, and renowned for his viciousness and cunning back home amongst the shade tribes.
He picked up the body of the dead guard, lifting him up by the hair. He spit the lifeless human in the head.
He waved one of his subordinates, the shade known as Mirrdo up at his side.
„Tell Lord Seraph that the sentries are gone” he told the shade.
„But surely, this one is not all?” was the shades reply.
„No, but they will all be gone before the army can move its way here.”

Jens had stopped, to catch his breath again. He knew Kurt would be furious with him, for being late, but he would face that furiousness with dignity. He laid down his halberd, and quickly adjusted his red uniform, all the while trying to get his breath under control. He looked out over the beautiful reaches of the nearby ocean. During nightfall, before he had gone to sleep, the moon had been full, and the sea had been as a mirror, reflecting the shining moon on the waves.
But now, just before the sunset, there was no moon.
Instead another sight drew Jens’ attention.
Out there, on the mirrorlike surface of the sea, a strange blur could be seen.
He struggled to focus, to find a source to this phenomenon.
[Nevermind], he thought.
He sat down in the tall grass, and waited until he had brought his pulse down at a normal level.

Kython watched the plainsland ahead of him. No sentries were in sight, at least not before the outer reaches of the human camp. This meant he and his fellow shades would have to move through the tall grass, dangerously close to the camp. It was a perilous task, the chance of being spotted very high. None the less, he had a reputation, and would stick to it. He waved up his men.
„We move,” he said, „through the grass. Keep your heads down, at let not the humans see you.
We shall advance on them, and take out the last sentries.”
With no further word, he crouched to a prone position, going from the forest edge and into the plains lands tall grass, knowing his shades would follow him.
The walk was long and tiresome, and the shades were protected by the grass, as well as blinded by it. [A perilous task indeed], Kython thought. He wrinkled his nose, the smells of the human camp picked up by his enhanced elven senses. It smelled of filth. It smelled of prey.
He looked forward to the real bloodshed, not this sniping of sentries.
At that moment, Mirrdo made it back from the druchii army which standing idle at the other side of the forest.
„They want you to make it fast! Lord Seraph expects to commence attack before the sunset!”
Kython lifted one eyebrow. „Lord Seraph will get his attack” he replied.

Jens was stirred from his trance, trying to focus at the blurred place at sea.
Had he not just heard voices? There they were again!
A voice, presumably from a male, was carried by the wind to Jens. It was not the voice of Kurt.
Also, the voice did no speak in a language Jens was familiar with.
He crept the last distance to the forest. He did not encounter the owner of the voice.
However, upon reaching the forest, he encountered instead the deceased corpse of Kurt.
A shiver worked up its way through Jens’ spine.
He first took a few steps backwards, before he started running back to the camp.

Kython was stunned when he heard the sound of running feet.
It was not the light tread of his shades. This sounded human.
He risked a short glance above the tall grass, and just in time caught glimpse of a human sentry, rustling past him a few meters away. [By Khaine…]
He turned round, facing Mirrdo.
„Signal the army. Commence the attack”, he told Mirrdo.
He then ordered the rest of the shades to silence the human. He unhooked his crossbow.
The hunt had begun.

„Lord Seraph, the shades has signalled us to attack.”
The informant was a simple corsair captain, and Lord Seraph developed an instant dislike of him from the day they set foot on the ship together. He was short, weak, and a bad fighter. How he had managed to rise to the rank of captain, was unknown to Seraph. The informant stood idly, waiting for Seraphs reply. In his large armour, with his raven black shoulderlong hair, and the pirecing eyes, he was a powerful, if not fearsome, sight. Seraph waited for a few seconds, then said:
„Then why do you not ready your warriors? Why do you waste time here with me, instead of preparing your men? You have delivered the information, have you not?”
It was unjust, as he knew any informant would have waited for his response. He would also have remarked it if he didn’t. But Seraph did not like this elf. He was arrogant, something which did not suit a subordinate, Seraph thought.
Calling out to the army, his powerful voice reaching every elf in the army, he shouted:
„The attack has been signalled. In the name of Khaine, slaughter them! Leave only those worthy of slave hood!” Though Seraph was young, he still commanded much respect from theese warriors. They knew their lords fierceness.
„You can take slaves, you can take spoil. I care not! As long as you fulfil your duty to me, and to the one rightful king; Malekith!"
He then mounted himself on his Cold One, and spurred it through the forest.
„May Khaines favor be on you all!"



That's it! I will start on tht third part right away.[/u]


Thu Mar 31, 2005 11:22 am
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And enjoying it, I did :) It's very easy to read, and also interesting.

If I were to be to quote all my fav quotes, this post would become a bit long, so I'll just put in the critics ;)

Quote:
They would take out one sentry after the other

Here he still thinks there are more than one senrty, so why is he so reckless (for a Shade) later?

Quote:
He then mounted himself on his Cold One, and spurred it through the forest.

here, I imagine him going all alone, but I guess the army follows him. It doesn't say that however.

That, and a few spelling mistakes, is all I can give you as critics. I hope your inspiration hasn't lessened, so I won't have to wait so long for the next part :)


Last edited by Lethalis on Thu Mar 31, 2005 4:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Thu Mar 31, 2005 4:29 pm
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As I am shortly going a week to Romania the third part will not be before then. However, I expect I will write it during my journy, and perhaps also the fourth part then, so...


Thu Mar 31, 2005 4:45 pm
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A whole lot of easy reading and cool details. Keep it up. But don't overhurry your next parts, but if they are of this quality it going to be really good.


_SJ


Thu Mar 31, 2005 5:04 pm
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As said, I will travel to Romania by Wednesday, and return home the wednesday after that. During my stay I will write part III.


Sat Apr 02, 2005 9:21 am
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A really good story, easy to follow I'm enjoying reading it.

Keep it up, but like others have said, don't hurry and mess up ;).

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Sat Apr 02, 2005 11:02 am
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Hmmm... I have been trying very hard to make darkprincess read this, as I have wishes of joining the Cult of Pleasure... only, she won't respond to my PM's. If anyone get into contact with her, PLEASE urge her to have a look at this...


Sun Apr 03, 2005 7:15 pm
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a very very good story there belial, keep it up i can't wait for the next installment.

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Mon Apr 04, 2005 8:42 pm
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I will have to apologize: I promised you to have the third part ready this week. Thing is... I haven't even started. A lot of problems has been knocking on my door lately, and so it might even take a little while more, before I submit part III.
I am sorry.


Wed Apr 20, 2005 7:55 am
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hey, we all have our own lives to look after. You know what has priority, that's more important than spoil us with another story :)


Wed Apr 20, 2005 3:46 pm
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Indeed. I have written another story, though, but I am not very pleased with it. http://www.druchii.net/viewtopic.php?t=34892


Wed Apr 20, 2005 5:34 pm
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