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Ronin's Tale part 1ish. 
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Highborn
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Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2007 4:49 pm
Posts: 753
Location: castro valley, caslifornia
The Druchii have always been a race bred for war. It is in their blood, their culture, and their religion. Only upon the battlefield can they truly show their true worth. A worth one warrior was willing to find out. Sitting on top of his Cold One Lizard mount, he glared at his foe below.

He wore simple silvered plate armor, that could withstand most blows. But his overall apearance was swallower up by his sea dragon hide cloak, custom made by a pair of Corsiars who took a liking to him. What set it apart form most cloaks was the fact the head of the young drake, was still attached to it, making for a makeshift helmet and hood. The skales, thick and strong, were a dark blue like the ocian. Two yellow horns compleated the immage. His Mount, a viciouse lizzard the size of a large work horse, and the below average inteligance of a drunkan chickan. Most of her skales, armor in and of themselves, were blood red, save it were the scales along it's spine ( which were a rich ocianic collor.)

Down the hill, ruffly three miles away, two opposing armies fought each other. Vile, disease ridden skaven, and Dwarves who smelled too much of strong ale and sulfur. Their blood feud as long as the High Elves and the Dark Elves. "Fools." He said to himself. "What good will this battle be to them. There is no gain for the Skaven here, nor is it for the Dwarves."

"Skaven a small minded fools. These misshapen beasts here of Clan Pestilence: A clan renown for going headlong into battle without much thought of the concenquenses. The Dwarves are simply blotting out a name in the book of grudges." Said a female voice.

The young warrior turned his head to take a peek at the beauty. "Are My forces ready, my lady?"

The Sorceress nodded. Here aperance was strange compared to others of her ilk. most of her skin was covered in black cloth, a pair of riding boots, and peices of Meteoric iron decore. Her skin was of a dark blue hue, instead of the normal pale skin tone other Druchii have. The parts of her body that were exposed was her right thigh; her neck and face; and from he her right wrist to just below her shoulder. On the latter was a visable red scar starting at her hand, and snaking it's way to her naval. "You still have much to learn of life, but you are still a child. In the upcoming battle, you we will both know why our Lord Malekith Spared you; Young Asur Scum!"

That was what he had to deal with. Being a captured slave, he would have possibly have been sent to the temple to appease the Hag Queens, but there was something special about him. Not even a hundred, he slew dozens of corsairs, while many more needed to gifted touch of a healer.

Ten Years of training had passed since his capture. Ten Years if Torture and deceit. Ten years of hate and scorn that surrounded him. But he survived. He lived for the day he would have his vengeance, Not against the Witch King, or the Druchii, but against an entity made of pure evil. This thing destroyed his first home, and his mother. It burned his village to the ground, and left him for dead.

His second home was a bustling trading port, one visited often by warriors and merchants from all over the world. This too was destroyed, but by a different source. The Dark elves may have sacked it, but a Xenophobic General was the one who left it to their mercy. He too would suffer his friends’ fate for allowing his second home to burn.

"I heard worse. Just because you failed the final test into becoming a sorceress, doesn’t give you the right to call me something like that. Especially when you can say much worse!" Five seconds passed before she stormed off in anger. For once, he won an argument with her. But she was right, in a way. He was only 96, and barley big enough to get on his condone without its help. The Air grew colder, he could feel it. He had a gift with cold ones: They loved him, and he loved them back. SO much so, he sleeps with his steed, never once being anointed with their toxic slime.

"Come on girl" He said gently. "We have duty to fulfill"






First try to do my own fluffy story on this website. Tell me If You want to hear more (or if it's asuri crap!)


Last edited by Saint of m on Sun Mar 16, 2008 3:49 am, edited 5 times in total.



Mon Nov 19, 2007 9:47 pm
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Lord of Khorne
Lord of Khorne
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Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2002 1:29 pm
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Location: Leading the revolution (and in the chat).
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Moved to HoD.

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Mon Nov 19, 2007 10:00 pm
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Prophet of Tzeentch
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Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 3:51 pm
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Location: I am the voice inside your head
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Right, your not going to like what I say now but try to take it in the spirit of constructive criticism.

You definatly need to improve in my opinion. People have differnt styles but if I were you I would try for more descriptive writing. As an introduction to a story it leaves much to be desired, we dont know what he lookes like or where they are (the old world presumably but thats a little vauge). You also need to pay more attention to detail, there are numerus gramatical errors mixed up words. For example you twice refer to cold ones as condones.

Give it another go and expand the story, you wont get any better without practise and effort (when I look back at my work from a few years ago I shuder, and I am still not all that good. Not compared with some of the other authers on Druchii net).

F

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Fri Nov 23, 2007 6:59 pm
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Highborn
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Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2007 4:49 pm
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Location: castro valley, caslifornia
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I changed some of the stuff, adding other details to flesh out the lead charecter.


Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:49 pm
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