Interviews With Famous (infamous) characters

Where the great threads of Druchii.net are kept

Moderator: The Dread Knights

User avatar
Elvenknight
Elf on the Altar with the Axe
Posts: 1042
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2002 12:19 am
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Post by Elvenknight »

Welcome to the Druchii news. At the moment I am reporting to you from Lustria. Here our fine army has engaged the ferocious lizardmen. And I'm joined now by one of our famous, fearless and completely stupid Cold One Knights.

COK: Hi Mum. I'm on TV
EK: Actually this is radio.
COK: Ok sorry, Hi Mum. I'm on radio
EK: I thought your mount was stupid not you.
COK: Uhhh
EK: any way. I see that you've engaged a unit of saurus on their flank.
COK: yep
EK: But you and every one else on the battle feild are just sitting here and not fighting. Why?
COK: Well you see we've already made our attacks and made a few kills. They've just made their attacks and now we are waiting for the gods to decide how many of their attacks hit, wound and aren't saved by our armour.
EK: Why don't you just keep swinging your sword
COK: First, it's a Lance. Second, we have to take turns.
EK: Why?
COK: There is no why. (Classic Star Wars Yodda quote :D)

Suddenly a COK keels over, blood spilling from a large gash in his armour.

COK: Yes
EK: One of your fellow knights just died
COK: I know but it was only one. I'll have to check on my trusty calculator. They outnumber us by 2. We killed 5, they killed one, we flank them, we have a flag they don't. Yes we win.
EK: what do you mean we win.
COK: Well now we have to wait for the gods to see if the run away and if they do by how far.

The Saurus turn and move 10 paces back.

EK: Wha???? Why did the stop?
COK: Well now it's our turn to chase them. We can easily make that distance. Muhuhhahahha

The cold ones begin to move and stop suddenly

Cold One: Mmmmm Pretty Flower
COK: It's a blade of grass you fool
EK: I didn't know they could talk
COK: The talking just makes them look stupider

The cold one moves half a step foward

Cold One: Mmm Pretty Flower
COK: Arrrgghhhhh
EK: Well there you have it. Our finely trained Knights in battle upon their rediculous and completley stupid mounts. Back to you Calthoss :)
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" untill you can find a big stick.

The Album is here for all your army photos - Album Moderator
User avatar
Silas
the Mad
Posts: 2570
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2003 8:25 pm
Location: Wherever I am, I'm there

Post by Silas »

!lol! !lol!
Image
User avatar
Mornar shethurith
Malekith's Speechwriter
Posts: 1154
Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2003 4:15 am
Location: Probably throwing electronics around the room in frustration.

Post by Mornar shethurith »

Do you remember that story in the rulebook about the Empire going against the High elves, and how a battery of great cannons slew the dragon Iraugnir? Well here we are, interviewing the captain of the great cannon battery.

Mornar: Greetings

Captian: Hello

Mornar: So, word has it that this Empire army you are in managed to kill a dragon!

Captain: Yes thats right.

Mornar: So how did you kill it? Did your Lord honorably slay it in single combat?

Captain: Well, no, not really... in fact, it accidentally stepped on our Lord, killing him.

Mornar: Did you and the rest of you brave army surround it and drag it down by sheer tenacity?

Captian: Not quite actually... we tried that but the dragon just stopped, dropped, and rolled, crushing over half of our army.

Mornar: Well, after a long and bitter battle, did you finally defeat it, taking your revenge on the lives of your comrades it took?

Captian: Well, no...after it killed half our army, we hid in a cave.

Mornar: You must have failed your terror tests?

Captian: Actually no, we were sulking in the cave because our feelings were hurt after we saw the High Elves laughing so hard that they couldn't stand up.

Mornar: Hehe...those...gasp...unfeeling High Elves...hehee... Uh, sorry. So how did you eventually kill it?

Captian: Well, see, it sort of stepped in a gopher hole and broke its leg. And then we shot it with a cannon!

Mornar: Thats it?

Captian: No. The cannon didn't kill it. It was in fact a delayed Comet of Casandora that finally killed it. We just claimed that the Comet was one of our cannons.

:roll:
"Life is just getting ready to stay dead for a long time."
--Addie Bundren, As I Lay Dying
User avatar
Mj uupin
Black Guard
Posts: 267
Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 2:21 am
Location: Adelaide, Australia !YAY! i hav a halberd! :-)

Post by Mj uupin »

:D:D:D...
wait.. i play empire, i hate HE, why am i laughing :shock: :| :?
No Playstation - No Life
Know Playstation - Know Life
User avatar
Loran
Destroyer of Worlds
Posts: 1273
Joined: Sun Nov 09, 2003 4:46 pm
Location: Finland, the country people always think has penguins and polar bears walking in the streets...

Post by Loran »

Funny !lol! !lol! !lol! !lol!

Gotta show this to a friend who plays Empire and has as many cannons as possible...
<+Hyarion> "Loran may cause addiction to mindless online games"

+++ Team Mulligans +++
User avatar
Elvenknight
Elf on the Altar with the Axe
Posts: 1042
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2002 12:19 am
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Post by Elvenknight »

!lol! !lol! I only got the rule book today and the first story I read was that one :)
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" untill you can find a big stick.

The Album is here for all your army photos - Album Moderator
User avatar
Silas
the Mad
Posts: 2570
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2003 8:25 pm
Location: Wherever I am, I'm there

Post by Silas »

!lol! Great! Thats really funny...The Empire guy i know doesnt like cannons though...hellblasters, well, thats something else...
Image
User avatar
Tso
Black Guard
Posts: 289
Joined: Sat Jul 26, 2003 11:49 am

Post by Tso »

I would like to land mark the occasion where lord silas didnt end his post with a sniff
User avatar
Elvenknight
Elf on the Altar with the Axe
Posts: 1042
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2002 12:19 am
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Post by Elvenknight »

But what is he sniffing? :P

Sorry I couldn't resist :D
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" untill you can find a big stick.

The Album is here for all your army photos - Album Moderator
User avatar
Githan
Black Guard
Posts: 258
Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2003 5:02 pm
Location: Hanging around in Hag Graneth searging for my lost mount

Post by Githan »

because he has the flu :P
what do you expect :?:
User avatar
Silas
the Mad
Posts: 2570
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2003 8:25 pm
Location: Wherever I am, I'm there

Post by Silas »

Tso wrote:I would like to land mark the occasion where lord silas didnt end his post with a sniff


Sorry, happened awhile ago...
In another topic someone got me to blow my nose...cant remember what topic that was...

A free knee to the groin from Emma to anyone who can find that post!
Image
User avatar
Morfaenor
Executioner
Posts: 179
Joined: Sun Nov 16, 2003 10:40 pm
Location: On a holy crusade to convert the mass's

Post by Morfaenor »

Very funny :lol: !lol! :lol: !lol! :lol: !lol! :twisted:
When the blood starts to flow grab a cup and get it down you.
User avatar
Iron_panther
Black Guard
Posts: 273
Joined: Fri Jul 04, 2003 7:50 pm
Location: The Void

Post by Iron_panther »

Well, I dug around my interwiew library and found this old pearl! It's kinda long though, so make sure you're firmly seated and have persuaded your little sister to bring you popcorn. Ready?

IP (whispering): Hello folks out there! This is Iron Panther broadcasting live outside the very gates to the realm of Khorne. I'm waiting for confirmation for a interwiev with the great god of war himself, who...

(Two massive brass doors open, showing a mound of decapitaded skulls stretching out of sight in all directions. A single figure, namely the exalted champion, Magnus, whom agreed to ask on my behalf.)

M: Your request have been confirmed. But I warn you, should you show any signs of disrespect your miserable life will end swiftly and...

IP: Yah, I know, I know, he's picky on the trivials. Let's go.

(Starts to climb the giant mound, Magnus fall in line, grumbling. Eventually we reach a gigantic throne, on which the lord of skulls himself resides. The lord of skulls is wearing a chic brass armour, whos dared and yet functional design implies that his followers include some of the hippest designers in Lothern -but on to the interwiew.)

M: Hail, oh thou lord of carnage, thou slayer of thousands, lord of skulls and master of...

IP: Hya.

K: IS THIS THE MASTER OF BATTLE YOU PROMISED TO BRING FORTH, MORTAL?

M: Well, I might have tweaked the truth. He's a journalist I found while sacking watchtowers. But don't you understand the possibilities this brings for our war propagand...

(The following event could be summarised by the sound effect SPLAT!)

K: AND AS FOR YOU...

IP: Heyheyhey! Put that axe away! You could do something I'd regret! Why are you so angry?Why don't you cool down?

K: COOL DOWN??? JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO? BESIDES HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SIT AND THINK THINGS THROUGH WHEN MY FOLLOWERS INCISTS TO...

(A great portal open up in the crimson-red sky above the throne, and thousands of decapitated heads, still warm, flushes down, many of which hits Khorne.)

K: RAAA-AAAA-AARRRRGH!!!!!!!!

IP: Hey, you know what, why do you just sit and mutter on that throne anyhow? Why don't you take an evening of, you know, dress up in a pink dressing gown and just take it easy in front of the fireplace and drinking hot chocolate and just relax? I mean, I do it all the time when I get tired of the enslaving an mutilating, and...

K: DRESSING GOWN... HOT CHOCOLATE...

IP: Yes, yes, exactly! And then you can take a few jam biscuits and just spoil yourself! Try it! It's great!

K: YES... NO!!! WHAT AM I THINKING? I AM THE ALL-MIGHTY GOD OF BATTLE! I CAN'T SPOIL MYSELF WITH JAM BISCUITS! I HAVE AN IMAGE TO TAKE CARE OF, DAMMIT! NOW SHUT UP AND D...

IP: Ok, no dressing gowns! "I must take care of my image", pheh! Like a six years old...

K: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

IP: Nothing, nothing! But what do you do when it becomes unbearable?

K: SMASH THINGS.

IP: But when even that doesn't help, when you feel that you need someone to talk to and get support from?

K: WELL... THERE'S... NO... I SWORE I NEVER WOULD SHOW...

IP: Hey, c'mon, you can trust me...

K: OH, OK THEN. BUT YOU HAVE TO SWITCH THE CAMERA OF, AND SWEAR TO NEVER TELL ANYONE... EVER!

IP: You have my druchii word on it. (Pretends to switch the camera off, I did give him my druchii word, didn't I?)

K: THIS... THIS IS FLUFFY...

(Khorne bows down and picks up an enourmos teddybear hidden beneath the throne, it looks very worn out and have spots that could be marks of crying all over it.)

IP: I see... was it a gift from your parents?

K: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEM.

IP: Why, they didn't like you?

K: DIDN'T LIKE ME? THE ONLY REASONS THEY HAD ME WAS BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T MAINTAIN SOME STUPID WARP GATES! THEY DIDN'T EVEN WANT ME TO BE BORN! I AM MERELY THEIR FAILURE! I'M FAILED! I AM A FAILURE! I... I... I WANT MY MOMMA! BOHOOOOOOOOO....

(Khorne collapses in a sobbing heap, fiercily hugging the teddybear.)

IP: Hey, wait, you're no failure!

K: W, WHAT?

IP: Just look at yourself! Your parents didn't like you -so what? You did banish them from the world, didn't you?

K: ...YES?

IP: You see? And that whilst you were a mere second old! Most children don't get so independen't even when they're about to move from home! That's admirable!

K: THAT'S RIGHT...

IP: And look what you did then! Did you just sit down and brag about it? No, you did instead work real hard and became the single most powerful god in the world- all by yourself! Your parent's should be proud of you!

K: THERE WAS MY BROTHERS...

IP: Your brothers? A muttering, plotting little jerk, a pervert cross-dresser and a sick, ugly fat kid. Seriously, you aren't the one who should lie down and cry for mommy! They are! And do you know what I think furthermore about you?

K: NO...

IP: I think that under that brass armour, there's a gentle, sensible little boy who just want to be heard.

K: I'M MOVED TO TEARS... YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME...

IP: And do you know what I think it's time for now? I think it's time for a big hug...

(Khorne looks neutral for a moment, then bows down and hugs Iron Panther, who hugs him back.)

K: IT FEELS LIKE I'M COMING HOME...

IP: ...

K: YES, I... THAT THING IS STILL ON!!!

IP: What, oh? The camera? Er... it's for personal use only, right?

K: DO YOU THINK THAT I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ORDINARY CAMERA AND A INTERNET DITO!? DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID!?

IP: Well...

K: RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!

IP: AndthatwasallfortonightthisisIronPantherbroadcastinglivefrom...

SPLAT!!!



Fin
User avatar
Falahk
Night Goblin
Posts: 1169
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2002 1:31 pm
Location: Falun, Sweden

Post by Falahk »

Do you remember that story in the rulebook about the Empire going against the High elves, and how a battery of great cannons slew the dragon Iraugnir? Well here we are, interviewing the captain of the great cannon battery.

Mornar: Greetings

Captian: Hello

Mornar: So, word has it that this Empire army you are in managed to kill a dragon!

Captain: Yes thats right.

Mornar: So how did you kill it? Did your Lord honorably slay it in single combat?

Captain: Well, no, not really... in fact, it accidentally stepped on our Lord, killing him.

Mornar: Did you and the rest of you brave army surround it and drag it down by sheer tenacity?

Captian: Not quite actually... we tried that but the dragon just stopped, dropped, and rolled, crushing over half of our army.

Mornar: Well, after a long and bitter battle, did you finally defeat it, taking your revenge on the lives of your comrades it took?

Captian: Well, no...after it killed half our army, we hid in a cave.

Mornar: You must have failed your terror tests?

Captian: Actually no, we were sulking in the cave because our feelings were hurt after we saw the High Elves laughing so hard that they couldn't stand up.

Mornar: Hehe...those...gasp...unfeeling High Elves...hehee... Uh, sorry. So how did you eventually kill it?

Captian: Well, see, it sort of stepped in a gopher hole and broke its leg. And then we shot it with a cannon!

Mornar: Thats it?

Captian: No. The cannon didn't kill it. It was in fact a delayed Comet of Casandora that finally killed it. We just claimed that the Comet was one of our cannons.
lol :lol: :lol: :lol:
I tried to interweve malekith but his dragon was just a bit to sacary(I dide't pas the necesary ld test)

but I have maged to intrewe my manticore once, so here it gos:

F:wath was the feeling when you did kill 4 boar boyz and I only got one?
M:namo namo
F:okey lets try an ather one....waths your favorit food?
M:grrrrr(looks wery hungry)
F:ok that was not a good question......
M:grrrrrrrrr(looks scary)
F:rolls 2 dices ......11...damn (runs like a coward)
SWFBR- Swedish Warhammer Tournament Calendar, Ranking and Forum
User avatar
Teifion
Teifion of Khemri
Posts: 1583
Joined: Fri Nov 07, 2003 2:17 pm
Location: Portsmouth University - Langstone Campus
Contact:

Post by Teifion »

I'd quote Iron Panther but the story is very long

BUT AWSOME

So that is the real Khrone
Megapimp
Noble
Posts: 413
Joined: Sun Dec 28, 2003 8:00 pm

Post by Megapimp »

Somewere in Lustria....

MP: *whispers[Aussie dialect]* we must be very quiet not to agitate it, we have finally found one of the great Kroxigors and we'll just sneak upp and
*MP throws himself up on the kroxigors back while another twenty or so men runs up to it(you know, cameras and such)*
MP: now we'll just cower his eyes and...AHH no look out! GET THE AXE GET THE AXE! OH MY GOD! STOP IT AHH IT HAS MY LEG ARGHH BIG CLAWS BIG AHH

a while later...
MP: well, only lost a arm and two legs, a fine creature it is, aint it...well mates let's crawl back to camp shall we? Ey Bob, you take those legs and I'll grab the camera.
User avatar
Silas
the Mad
Posts: 2570
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2003 8:25 pm
Location: Wherever I am, I'm there

Post by Silas »

Brilliant Iron Panther, but did you make it? Or was the splat a FINAL kinda splat...and what of the other gods? Slaanesh, Tzeentch, Nurgle...then Khaine, Sigmar, Morr, Ulric, Grugni and so on...
Image
User avatar
Elvenknight
Elf on the Altar with the Axe
Posts: 1042
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2002 12:19 am
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Post by Elvenknight »

Lord Silas wrote:In another topic someone got me to blow my nose...cant remember what topic that was...

A free knee to the groin from Emma to anyone who can find that post!


You can find the topic here

King Coel wrote:Do you need a tissue
I have a dead asur's bed sheet
I know it stinks of urine but you could just about blow your nose on it


Lord Silas wrote:Hmmm..i supose it is time to blow my nose...
Ok, Sniff.
*Takes the asur bed sheet and blows his nose*
*A loud cheer comes from the Druchii.netters*
Much better...


Now pay up Lord Silas :P

BTW: I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every second of it.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" untill you can find a big stick.

The Album is here for all your army photos - Album Moderator
User avatar
Iron_panther
Black Guard
Posts: 273
Joined: Fri Jul 04, 2003 7:50 pm
Location: The Void

Post by Iron_panther »

Lord Silas wrote:Brilliant Iron Panther, but did you make it? Or was the splat a FINAL kinda splat...and what of the other gods?


Me? Not make it? Did you think I did all that hugging for nothing? Never leave home without your trusty C4, kids! :D And we'll see about those other gods...

Good thing you blew your nose, by the way. Just... what did you do with the soiled sheet afterwards? And... you did wash your hands... didn't you? And you didn't go around fingering all over druchii.net? Did you?

...

YARRRRRGH!!!! Everything in here has to be boiled!!! (Hysterically begins to spray air freshener all over my PC).
User avatar
Malekithau
Silver Khaine Winner
Posts: 810
Joined: Tue Aug 27, 2002 2:16 pm
Location: Newcastle Oz

Post by Malekithau »

Somehwere in Kislev.....

Malekithau approaches an effete Empire general who is admiring the forces drawn up in the valley below.

Mal - What's the occasion General?

General - Oh we're off to Middenheim. We've been reliably informed by a Frog that the Chaos Horde is heading there.

Mal - Okay fair enough. I see you have a lot of troops here. Let me see ... I count 100 infantry, 200 handgunners, 100 pistoliers , 500 Knights of the Inner Circle 100 other knights, 20 cannons, 20 hellblasters and 20 steam tanks! Hang on. There aren't that many steam tanks in existence! Where have all the hellblasters come from? Isn't this army just a little unbalanced?

General - what do you mean? Every Empire army contains a steam tank doesn't it? As for the hellblasters I had them removed from my other steam tanks.
What does balanced mean?
" If I wanted to roll a million dice I'd play Yahtzee!"
User avatar
Silas
the Mad
Posts: 2570
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2003 8:25 pm
Location: Wherever I am, I'm there

Post by Silas »

ElvenKnight wrote:Now pay up Lord Silas :P


Ok, Ok. Where d'you live? I'll send Emma round imediatly...

@Iron Panther; i donated the sheets to my favourite website (this one) and yep, i rubbed the horrible snottling all around the site!!!
Image
Locked