The Thirteen Truths (beginning of a short story)

[Tengal the malicious]

The beginning of a short story about my namesake character.


The Ancestral Home

Standing on the docks and watching his brethren load a sleek sailing boat in chilling autumn rain, Tengal's mind was struck by dreadful images. The events that had led him standing on the foggy and rainy coast of Caledor returned to shadow his thoughts with anger and sorrow. Even a placid Elf like Tengal had trouble not letting those shadows darken his stern face normally displaying noble calmness and stability. Or had trouble before, for some time now Tengal has utterly left his gestures betray the emotions burning in cold flame in his heart.

“How fitting... To sail west under such a tearful sky... To sail for a thousand tears more.” These words were spoken by the most grim-faced Elf of the company, gazing to the foggy horizon and letting a deep sigh out to the chilling evening air. Even keen Elven eyes saw no further than a few Dragon feet away from the shore, which was probably for the better, knowing there was only cold sea to be seen for hundreds of miles on.

Tengal's companion, Elannion, a tall figure clad in a modest dark blue cloak, replied to the doom-ridden mage: “You still could sail another way, brother. Nothing on this island forces you to go west; no-one wants you to turn against us. The Sword Masters...” “The Sword Masters broke my spirit but hesitated to break my flesh. They ought to have completed their errand; they ought to have taken my head to the Lothernian king. Their mistake shall bring storm to these shores... and to their tower fortress too.”

The creaking wood of the dock, as to amplify those dark words, sent a shiver across the spine of both the Elves standing on the dock, the first shivering of cold hate and the other of fear. “The boat is ready, Tengal.” The two moons shone bright above the dockyard, letting a shadow that would not return for times to come. The grim mage clad in ornate yet warm robes glittering in mystic symbols and sigils, nodded in response, and entered the boat’s cabin, only to pause at the door. “Remember these words, Caledor, and thank you, my friend and brother Elannion, for everything you did for me on this ill-stricken path I have been forced to take. Until the same stars shine above our eyes again!”, spoke Tengal and entered the cabin. “For better or worse, old friend...”

The troubled thoughts of Elannion were left lingering midst the late evening mist and the brooding shadow of the twin midnight moons. As the boat took off with a breeze from the craggy coast of Caledor, its sleek silhouette disappearing to the mist, and a returning gale bringing a back a chill to the skin of Elannion and the other Elves at the docks, Tengal was already planning his future and inevitable return, plotting in the warmth of his cabin, bound for the Land of Chill.

Elsewhere, just above the bay of the departure, another pair of Elves were standing and watching below from the cliff edge. One was clad in a breastplate and scale mail skirt, resting his gauntleted hands on the hilt on a greatsword struck down, the other wearing robes similar to those of the exiled one, shaking his head in contempt. "Get brother Imladris and tell him to awaken Heliogrir. We will settle this out at sea." The Sword Master nodded his helm-clad head and swiftly left for the marble steps leading to higher plateaus of the shore cliffs, the Mage staying and observing the Elves below. "I will personally take care of Elannion, that little treacherous rat."

The Ocean Between

It was the work of Slaanesh, the foul Elven craving for His ecstasy and pleasures that spellt doom upon Tengal and his family. Being blissfully unaware of his siblings and mother's activity in a Slaaneshi cult, he still could not escape the persecution, though he avoided a more severe punishment due to the lack of evidence connecting him the cult.

Tengal's sisters and mother tried and executed, Tengal himself was merely exiled, much to the chargrin of of many a duty-conscious Sword Master. Leaving Saphery and the White Tower with a small entourage and diverting the agents following him with cunning magic, Tengal travelled to Caledor and set sails for Naggaroth, violently rooted out from his homeland and status, seeking a new home among the enemies of his people.

(To be continued shortly...)

[Drainial]

So it’s set during the age of hateful peace? I wasn't sure about that so I thought I would check. If so does that make him a Druchii spy? If not then how does he know there is a kingdom to go to in the land of chill?

If the crew of that ship think the weather off the shore of Ulthuan is miserable they are really going to love the northern seas, but that's beside the point.

I am assuming that Elannion is a male mage, which might make being accepted in Naggroth even trickier than it would already have been, but that would make sense if I am right and this story is set before the invasion of Naggroth as Elannion and Tengal would not really know what they were sailing towards, just away from here.

So those are my musings on the prospective story, as for the writing it seems decent, fairly descriptive without being overly so, though it is hard to really come to terms with your style in such a short piece. I will certainly read the rest when it is written.

[Tengal the malicious]

So it’s set during the age of hateful peace? I wasn't sure about that so I thought I would check. If so does that make him a Druchii spy? If not then how does he know there is a kingdom to go to in the land of chill?

If the crew of that ship think the weather off the shore of Ulthuan is miserable they are really going to love the northern seas, but that's beside the point.

I am assuming that Elannion is a male mage, which might make being accepted in Naggroth even trickier than it would already have been, but that would make sense if I am right and this story is set before the invasion of Naggroth as Elannion and Tengal would not really know what they were sailing towards, just away from here.

So those are my musings on the prospective story, as for the writing it seems decent, fairly descriptive without being overly so, though it is hard to really come to terms with your style in such a short piece. I will certainly read the rest when it is written.

1. It's the current time lime, post-Storm of Chaos.
2. Tengal's the one going west. But you're right, being a male wizard has it's problems in Naggaroth...
3. The problem is that I wrote straight from off the top of my head, and whilst at least myself think it's fluent, I find it lacking somehow. :7
4. Thank you for reading and commenting.

[Drainial]

Ah, it was the swordmaster thing that threw me off, anyway if you feel you can do better then write on.

[Red...]

3. whilst at least myself think it's fluent, I find it lacking somehow. :7

Yes, this is my problem with the piece. It is well written and has good descriptive flourish and yet...well, I get to the end of it and both end up feeling like too much has happened and yet too little has happened. There are too many characters, and yet I feel no bond for any of them. It's also all a bit confusing - too many oblique references to things I don't know about or really have to dredge through my mind to figure out...

It looks like you are a very talented writer, but I'm not sure this piece does you justice. I think a little bit of time invested in improving the pace and logical flow of the passage would do wonders for it

Just my two cents

[Tengal the malicious]

What I reason too: I thought that there should be more description and less things actually happening, taking, say characters further. For now it's kinda... movie-ish when you think about it. I'll see what I can do to improve it and post a new version when it's finished.

[Uruthi]

I would like to see you continue this story! I have some criticism. I think you have too long sentences. Long sentences contain too much information which makes it difficult for the reader to process everything. The first sentence is too long, and that's not good because it should capture the reader. I suggest you split it up into three sentences. Then you have other sentences which are also too long. I have thought of a rule of thumb which is "one sentence should say one thing". Don't know if you agree but I think it sounds good. Another thing you do is you say things which should be shown. The grim-faced mage is one example, we understand from what he said in paragraph two that he is sinister - it becomes a bit "funny" when you write it out. Another example is the contempt of the other elves watching, I think you can erase that too and let the reader figure out that they look contemptuous. It would be interesting to see how the story turns out if you make these changes.